This blog is about my thoughts and feelings, my journey in faith and my desire to develop a deeper relationship with God. So I need to start at the beginning 14th April 2014.
I want to write this and not sound corny or use the words ” I found God” as it was not like that. There was no miracle moment no shouting it from the roof tops or even sharing it with anyone for a long time. It was very personal, very difficult to put into any words that would do what happened justice. I don’t think there are words. If you could read my mind my thoughts and feelings you might come close but because you can’t I will try and tell you my story.
I have never totally believed in God and have gone to church from an early age and often went at Christmas, Joined in the prayers along with everyone else saying Amen at the end. I thought this was praying.
Watched other members of the congregation hold up their hands in prayer and never understood and sometimes felt embarrassed as they danced and celebrated God’s work and the love they had for him.
Just over 2 years ago I started to realise that these people felt God within themselves.
I found this out when for the first time in my life when I prayed. I use the word pray but It was more like I opened my mind, heart and body to God. Allowing myself to talk to God in my raw state allowing God in without holding anything back, I gave God all I had.
It was not obvious what had happened at the time. when I prayed I needed strength to get though one of the most difficult days of my life. It was 6 am and I was in my PJs in the garden. Tears were streaming uncontrollably down my face kneeling under the yew tree I prayed. Feeling that I was not alone, and I had the inner strength needed to get through this massive emotional time.
As I was already very emotional it was only when I looked back did I realise what an amazing day it was and for the first time in my life I had felt the love of God.
It took me along time to feel comfortable to share this.I shared it for the first time to a friend that understood and he listened and cried with me.
I understood then that I was not having a mad moment and it was okay to share my story and by sharing it helped make some sort of sense of what happened that April morning .
Deuteronomy 4:29-31The Message (MSG)
29-31 But even there, if you seek God, your God, you’ll be able to find him if you’re serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul. When troubles come and all these awful things happen to you, in future days you will come back to God, your God, and listen obediently to what he says. God, your God, is above all a compassionate God. In the end he will not abandon you, he won’t bring you to ruin, he won’t forget the covenant with your ancestors which he swore to them.