Not going to church would have be easier than going, staying at home in my own self pity and grief would have been easier than allowing other people to see the huge amount of pain I was going through.
During the service the pain of the words spoken and sung were too overwhelming to deal with so I closed my eyes. Sitting listening in my own darkness seemed to make everything more poignant and certain words trust, love, God and pray seemed louder and aimed at my broken heart.
Keeping my eyes closed protected me from the world. It allowed me to feel Gods love and my faith getting stronger. My inner determination that my faith would not be destroyed by recent events. The tears just kept coming, church seemed to be a safe place to cry, the right place to cry.
When it was time to take communion I had this desire to take my shoes off and walk up bare foot. I wanted to feel something, feel more open to God and connect in some sort of way.
When I reflect back. I can almost understand why people self harm. The numbness I felt inside was so overpowering and strong. The huge desire just to feel anything even if it was more pain, but physical pain not emotional pain.
The reason why I never went up bare foot was my mum. She would have never understood why her daughter walked up to take communion with no shoes on.
Living in the same village all of my life is sometimes hard to be the individual that I need to be. I am often viewed as s******* daughter and feel some responsibility to please my family and act in a away that they find expectable instead of what I feel deep inside me.
Exodus 3:5 Take off your shoes… you are standing on holy ground.