The numbness today is suffocating, I can hardly breathe. The world seems closed to me and I cannot connect with it on any level. The worst part is I cannot pray. I have not lost my faith. I just can’t get to it its behind a closed locked door and I don’t have a key.
Today we sat with a picnic and the view was beautiful. I closed my eyes took a deep breath and wanted to thank God for this beautiful place. There was nothing just noise in my head and no way to pray. No way to remove the noise that’s in my head it was just all consuming with no override .
The evening was no better nothing just blankness. Panic was starting to set in I needed to be able to pray. I don’t have any other way to cope .
Next day was no better I googled it and was told it was ok to be angry with God to shout and blame. I walked to the local church to pray and get angry but it was closed. I was starting to feel so angry and so cross and shut out, even the blo**** church door was locked. The message I was getting is no you can’t come in.
I needed to feel something anything, just sitting in a church yard crying was not helping. I was faced with numbness and closed doors.
I was thinking of the story of Peter when he walked on water. He looked away from Jesus he began to sink and cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
When they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
I felt as if I was drowning. In need of a hand to catch me a just to pick me up and but me back on that boat. No way I was going to allow myself to drown .
So I took to my bike and cycled up hill angry and down hill fast, feeling the wind in my hair. Taking my feet of the pedals and imagining a massive hand picking me out of the sea and putting me back on that boat of life. Closing my eyes very briefly I had a wonderful feeling of freedom and of being me again .
Once home I showered, still dripping wet I knelt down beside my bed and prayed. No longer numb and discounted I felt alive again, sad but alive .
“Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you.
Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness”.