Today is the first time the pain actually hurts. The emotional pain has turned into real physical pain and hurts in my heart.
I have had almost 2 weeks with hardly any tears and felt guilty for almost behaving and acting normally.
Yesterday the tears came back and today the pain. Other than crying and thinking a lot since my life changed today is the first day it seems real. We are not going to wake from this nightmare and be the people we were before.
Only trusting God do I believe their is a way out, without faith I would only see dead ends and more dead ends.
This morning during my prayer time I talked to God about the times when was pregnant and the pregnancies that ended before their time and how much that hurt. I never got to hold my babies, name them or even bury them.
Today I cried again for my babies that I so longed for but this time I cried and prayed. It’s the first time I prayed for them and spent time with God thinking of my little ones.
It never crossed my mind I would not be able to conceive again after the birth of my daughter I took being a mum for granted.
Had I conceived again and again and carried full term I would have taken the most precious gift of life for granted and in turn taken a lot of other things for granted also in the process.
I had my one child whose time was to be born and I had 5 whose time was to die and I grieve for them. Today for the first time I accept and understand so maybe that’s why today the pain is so bad.
Today it hurts because for the first time in almost 20 years I understand WHY.
There is a time for everything.
A season for every activity under the heavens:
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to uproot.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build.
A time to weep and a time to laugh.
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.