Pain is making me a stronger person. It’s pushing and squeezing me into a different person, that’s where the pain is coming from the squeezing and pushing and remoulding.
Walking home this evening the tears would not stop, I looked upwards at the beautiful clear sky and felt as if Jesus was walking with me.
I still feel so sad and empty. I need to refilled with something different. The refilling process is still too painful to happen but when it does I will be ready to do what I am being called for.
I just want time just to pray and not have to do or think about anything else.
I want to stop.
I want to reflect.
I want to be alone.
I want to cry.
I want to understand.
I want to sleep.
I want to love.
I want to be selfish and do things for me.
But instead I have to cook, nurse, work, care, love, and find time to pray.
I said a few blogs back I would not be angry but today I am angry that I can’t have time to be myself.
Angry that I have been denied so many beautiful things and just left with the wreckage of something that was once so beautiful.
Angry that I never got to finish what I started.
Angry at the broken promises I made.
Angry with myself for hurting so much.
Angry with myself because if I trusted and loved God 100% then I would not be scared and fearful.
Angry with myself for being Angry.
I just want to stop hurting – I just want the pain to go away – I just want to feel ME.
“My God turns my darkness into light.” – Psalms 18:28