Today has left me feeling confused and upset. I got to say my goodbyes to my special little person. Twenty short minutes to say everything I needed to say, and said none it.
It was a staged managed process, felt as it was just done to tick boxes.
I said what was expected of me and I got the answers I wanted to hear.
I did not listen to my heart I was grateful for the time but unsure what it achieved or if it done either of us any good. I prayed for the strength to get through today. I need to learn listen to the voice inside me and be stronger and not follow the crowd and say what I feel.
I am normally good at this but today I became a week little mouse and feel disappointed in myself.
This time I did not turn my back on this person, but never got to tell them how much I love and care for them no that I had no choice in any of the life changing decisions made for them.
I wanted to hold them, never let go, pray with them. That was never going to happen. We where watched a closely supervised for 20 short minutes .
I am so tired and exhausted being positive all the time. Fighting the negative, Smiling when it’s hurting, looking deep inside myself every day to find beauty something however small that might be.
I hold my tears just below the surface. The pain is so deep in my heart I don’t think it will ever go away .
The holy spirt a part of me and a gift from God. It’s is stronger than the pain and hurt ( most of the time )
I need to learn to listen to the holy spirit and not to my own desires
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.”
Psalms 73:26 NLT