Twenty One years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I never prayed or thanked God for the beautiful gift of life .
Pregnancy loss, death of my lovely grandmother, uncle , father, friends and elderly relatives none of these things called me to prayer.
I sat beside my fathers bedside and was told he would not survive the night. I wept and held his hand, but I did not pray. It never even crossed my mind to pray.
When I look back I feel so much sadness that I did not pray for all these people and can’t understand why I did not find God back than when he was with me all along.
What changed ? I must have changed but how and why I don’t know and don’t understand .
I don’t understand what made the grief on that one day so different to the past. What made me kneel down in my own garden and pray so openly and deeply?
What was so different?
Why did I not pray when my dad died?
Why did I not pray when they turned off my uncles life support?
Why did I not pray when they told me my daughter had a hole in her heart?
Why did I not pray when I held my dad’s hand as he struggled for every breath?
Why did I not pray when my mother in law lost her battle with cancer ?
I cared and loved these people but what stopped me believing praying and feeling Gods love back than?
I guess the reason was me, God was their all along the only person preventing me from finding God was me.
I feel guilty for not believing back than, what changed me and why did I not see it before I have no idea.
Finding God has changed me so much and for that I am truly thankful for.
Jeremiah 29:13 “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”