Scared to be still.

Day Thirty Three – Still – Lent challenge.
When I read my old blogs it’s amazing how far I have come, there are good days and bad days but life is so much better, but I can’t relax, forgotten how to.
I am scared to be still, scared to stop for too long, Burning the candle at both ends, late nights and early mornings is at times exhausting.
The massive hole in my life needs plugging, so I fill it by keeping busy filling the hole seems the only way to cope but only prolongs and hides the grief.
Times of stillness are rare and it’s often only when I pray do I dare to allow myself to stop, but it’s safe in prayer, I feel held in Gods love,  it’s a time to reflect, recharge and take my strength from God.
As soon as I open my eyes say Amen my brain is off planning thinking and busy busy busy.
The grief of the past years all seem to have all been rolled into one big hole and I need to find ways to deal with this grief and than I  feel that I might be able to stop and relax.
This weekend I will be attending a remembrance service at Exeter Cathedral for those who have lost a child at any stage of pregnancy. I will for the first time be in a space to pray for them and hold them in my heart acknowledge each one as the child I carried and loved.
Lighting 5 little candles will be very special and important part of grieving and moving on.

John 14 :1-6 ” What God creates God loves and what God loves God loves everlasting”

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