Grief and Pain.

Day Two – Lent Challnge 2018 – Remember.

A part of me died when my dad finally lost his battle to cancer.
I’ve never experienced anything like it. It left a devastating black hole in my world.
I suddenly realised my vulnerability. I had lost the person that wiped away my tears. I had lost the person that loved me unconditionally.
Who else would get excited when my plants flowered ? Who else understood the joy when my seedlings germinated ?
It was my Dad that understood those simple Joys.

Functioning again and moving forward seemed impossible. I longed to make sense of why I lost my dad before he even retired.

Today’s blog is not about my Dad. It’s a thank you to the vicar that took his service. Its remembering the time she took before the service to offer me some words of comfort.
She put death of my parent in its rightful place giving me an understanding of why.
She explained we will all lose our parents. It would be wonderful if our parents grew old before we lost them, but it does not always work like that.
What ever happens we lose our parents. We deal with the grief and the pain. It has to happen that’s the order of life.
At some point in my life I would have to say my goodbyes to my Dad; that some point was now.

I remember looking at my daughter as she spoke the next words to me. Children should bury their parents, not the other way round.
Holding my daughter tightly my face wet with tears Something inside made a small step to understanding why.


Ecclesiastes 3 The Message (MSG)

There’s a Right Time for Everything.
9-13 But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I’ve had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he’s left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he’s coming or going. I’ve decided that there’s nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That’s it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It’s God’s gift.


The Space Between Two Words.

For a while have I been trying to blog about the day I sat with my beautiful friend who was terminally ill with cancer.
I just could not find the words, so wrote this poem. It’s about the day we spent  together waiting for two callers.
First was the vet coming  to put my friend’s dog to sleep. A faithful old dog that was entering the end of her life. Cancer was eating her up at an alarming rate and she was suffering.
We made the decision that I could not look after two old ladies with cancer so Lucy was put to sleep with love and dignity. She died in our arms with the people she loved.
Hours later the ambulance came to take my friend to a hospice. A wonderful place full of compassionate staff. My friend slowly died over the next 6 weeks.
There are no words  to express how we both felt that day only silence between two friends.

The space between two words

Silence whirls and settles on the sofa.
Exhausted words filling every space.
Heartbroken words too afraid to form.
Locked up words that want to stamp and rage.
Unspoken painful truthful words.
Will it ever be the right time?
To say what’s on my mind.
Silence is the only word that remains.

Love and silence fills every space.
Salt-laced words that drip and run.
Words that can only be shed.
Splashing  overflowing  emotions that puddle and soothe.
Trying to tell each other that we both understand.
Wanting to shout out “Why?”.
Wanting to say, “Please don’t die.”

Memories marching though our minds:
Evenings on the sofa, tea and chatter
Like nothing mattered.
Mutual thinking, simultaneous laughter.
Parallel thoughts unite our pain.
Overflowing , overpowering unwanted grief.
Mourning, journeying, our eyes meet.

Eyes that tell our stories.
Eyes that do not lie.
Sandpaper exhausted eyes from late nights, early mornings.
Nursing my dying friend.
Her eyes old  and fading.
Tired  and cloudy near the end.
Observing eyes leaking painful tears.
Avoiding each other as it hurts to see
Just how much pain is inside you and me.