Someone Else’s Fear.

Today the sun is directly overhead shinning so brightly it’s almost unbearable.
When the sun is not shining, I know it’s still there. Just as I know God loves me even when I might not be feeling it.
Gods love was not on my mind a year ago. I was so trapped, not knowing which way to turn. Those that should have been helping me where not: I was left in an impossible situation.
Twelve months today I was reading “ From fear to love by Bryan Post” a love based approach to helping parent children that have been adopted or in care.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18
I wanted to find out more; just reading the bible passage as part of Bryan’s book that night did not seem enough.
I wanted to read it from the bible. Their was a strong need to want to try understand what was being said and why.
Reading a Bible verse more than once was something that I would not normally do. I read 1 John 4:18 over and over again that evening. Stopping to spend time researching the verse on the internet. Desperately trying to understand why love and fear cannot co exist.
Learning that some of us can be so afraid of love we push it away. I understood that if you feel Gods love you cannot be afraid . God will look after you.
Within hours I suddenly found myself home alone and very scared.
Someone else’s fear had shattered my life and those that I love where also destroyed.
God is so amazing giving me that one verse to hold onto. Curled up on the sofa: crying, rocking and shaking I was not angry only scared. I understood why it had happened.
Through my tears and uncontrollable shacking somehow I understood God was with me.


Pray For The Miracle Of Adotion.

Sun rises: pray for the Miracle of Adotion.
In the U.K 4,000 children are waiting for adotion.

I pledge to pray for families; children in the care system and those involved in adoption.
When I first read on the “Thy Kingdom Come” website find some extreme places to pray and film yourselves doing it. I thought of all the beautiful places I could pray: high on a mountain, in a darkest cave, under water in the depth of the sea, riding my bike through the countryside.
When I read it again I realised that I can see God’s beauty and creation in all of these places.
But to others these are not places of beauty but are the extremes of their lives.
The forgotten families and children of our society, often out of sight and unnoticed.

Dear Giving God.
I thank you for the open hearted families that make adoption possible.
Pray for those children; waiting adoption, families waiting for children, the new adoptive and all families that have had their hearts touched by adoption.
Give them strength and perseverance to guide them though the good days and bad days.
Bless them with friends and families that can support them and understand their needs.
Pray for the birth mothers of these children; that they to are supported and shown love and compassion.
Adotion is never easy, each unique beautiful child is a gift from God.
Adoption in a miracle.


Faith and Haffertee.

Day Thirty Four – Journey  – lent challenge

Today I wanted to say thank you to all the people that have helped me on my journey to faith, encouraged me when I did not listen , prayed for me when I did not pray , nurtured the small beginnings and give me the encouragement to grow.
The first step in my journey was being baptised so thank you mum and dad for sorting that bit out.
Thank you for my wonderful grandmother, who filled my life with prayer and prayed with me and for me , the trips to the church yard to tend to the family graves and visits to the church .
Thank you to Mrs Howard for teaching me Psalm 23 , giving me a palm cross each year and showing so much excitement when she talked about her faith.
Thank you to United Reformed Sunday school where each week we would sing When the road is tough and step ( number 66 in the yellow Sing to God book, it’s strange what you remember).
I enjoyed sitting in the back room for bible studies where I would daydream out of the window at the workers on the allotments I am sure I was listening at the same time.
Massive thank you to Janet and John Perkins for reading  Haffertee Hamster Dimond to us in church with Howl Owl and Haffertee , Stories of faith told though the eyes of a hamster, these books have given me and many children in my care great comfort over many many years.
Jump from age Age 10 to 43 with not much faith in my life, but all that time unbeknown to me I was building up an amazing foundation that I could build my faith on.
Thanks to Tina  for seeing the little buds and helping them flower, for believing in me and supporting me though the good days and not so good days .
When I look back I am so grateful for all the people that prayed for me and pointed me softy in the right direction until I was ready myself to find God and change my life around .
Thank  you to everyone I have meet on my journey so far and excited as I journey forwards.

Psalm 23Good News Translation (GNT)

The Lord Our Shepherd[a]
23 The Lord is my shepherd;
I have everything I need.
2 He lets me rest in fields of green grass
and leads me to quiet pools of fresh water.
3 He gives me new strength.
He guides me in the right paths,
as he has promised.
4 Even if I go through the deepest darkness,
I will not be afraid, Lord,
for you are with me.
Your shepherd’s rod and staff protect me.
5 You prepare a banquet for me,
where all my enemies can see me;
you welcome me as an honored guest
and fill my cup to the brim.
6 I know that your goodness and love will be with me all my life;
and your house will be my home as long as I live.


Could I share my ghosts with you?

Day Thirty One – Longing – Lent challenge 

Could I share my ghosts with you?
Allow you to see my pain
I long for the ghosts to go away.
They always come back again.

They are buried in the garden.
Reminders here and there.
Of all the times we had together.
That are no longer there.

I find them when I am weeding.
Unearth them now and then.
They catch me out just buried there.
Time and time again.

Cars that once went broom broom.
Dolls that played a game.
Just left there in the mud
Never to be played with again.

I long to hear their voices
Hold their little hands.
See their smiling faces.
Playing in the sand.

Children that we foster.
Leave ghosts for us to find.
To remind us of their journey.
And remind us of our time.

We loved these people.
They taught us so much about life.
Love that freely given.
Love that heals the pain.
But when that bond is broken it hurts to love again.

Loving again is painful,
But that is what we do.
Gluing back the broken bits.
With love from me to you.

It’s time for us to walk away.
Let you lead your life.
Adoption is the miracle.
That has given you a new life.

1 Samuel 1:27 ( MSG)  I prayed for this child, and God gave me what I asked for



Running in the rain.

Day 28 – refresh – lent challenge 

Running in the rain.

Black clouds fill the sky
Cold air brushes by.
You can feel it’s going to rain
It’s going to pour
I love the rain

Darkened clouds and large rain drops
Smelling the inviting air
Stepping out into the rain
Liberating refreshing running in the rain,

Natures strength is in the rain
Pelting against my face
Puddles splashing as I run
Mouth open catching rain drops one by one .
Smiling running though the rain

Running takes away the pain
Running crying in the rain.
My tears are hidden as they roll
Tear drop puddles mixed with rain

Running is my therapy
Place to anger and to be me
Rain dilutes and waters down
Calms me and helps me understand

Colours change from dark to light
Multi colour smile shines so bright
promise of sunshine after rain
Peace after pain
Running praying in the rain.

By it’s a beautiful world .


Children / adults are not defined by their reading / spelling ability

Day 25 – Peace – lent challenge 

Read a blog the other day that challenged you to write a on a given word, but write the first thing that comes into your head.

Well here’s mine on peace.

I was about 9 years old when Peter my golden hamster died, my fluffy friends short life was over and I was devastated.
In the hours that followed I planned his funeral which included making a cross .
The family gathered around for the short service and Peter was placed in his cardboard box coffin and laid to rest .
With tearful eyes I proudly put my crafted cross on Peters grave.
I turned to face my family only to find them starting to laugh, the laughter spread from one family member to another as tears streamed down their faces, ” tears of laughter”
I was not laughing I could did not see any thing funny my cross simply had written on it “rest in piece “.

Struggling thought out my life with writing and spelling is painful , being judged by my lack of punctuation hurts , not being able to write what’s in my heart eats away at my self esteem.

I try not to see it as a weakness , rather than a way to improve and strengthen myself as I learn to express myself in other ways.
Technology given me confidence to write, allows me to listen to poetry and audio books opened up a world that I never thought I could be part of.

Remove the technology and you just have me, terrified of the simple pen and paper .

2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.



Celebrate the strangest things

Day 18 – celebrate -lent challenge 
Parenting a child with disabilities you celebrate the small things , the little things that we only hoped and dreamed they would achieve .
We no longer take anything for granted than everything else’s is a  blessing , we know our children won’t reach the mile stones in a time society expects them to.
We celebrate the strangest things , I remember being over joyed, when I left my child at nursery and they cried, it was amazing it meant they wanted to be with me, had started to form some attachment to me .
We celebrated the medical that showed they where only 18 months behind in their development not two years .
Look small , keep it small , nurture small and it will grow , it does not matter how small a thing is celebrate it, be thankful for each day and spend some time remembering those that feel they have nothing to celebrate and help them see the little things to, it’s a beautiful world if you look.

Matthew (GNT)
“It was because you do not have enough faith,” answered Jesus. “I assure you that if you have faith as big as a mustard seed, you can say to this hill, ‘Go from here to there!’ and it will go. You could do anything!”