The reasons why I wanted to say “I do” again.
My dad escorted me down the aisle of our parish church, to marry the man of my dreams. Surrounded by friends and family we said our vows to each other with love and meaning.
We were young, and very much head over heels in love. We are still very much in love. It’s a different love today; a love that has matured and developed with age. A love that has been battered and bruised, a deep rooted love.
So why do it again?
I wanted to say the words with God in my heart . I wanted to stand at the altar and feel the words. Not just say them – actually feel them .
God was not a part of my life when we got married .We exchanged our wedding vows, knelt for the prayers. The vows were exchanged with love, thought and meaning . The prayers were said but only as words not with meaning.
Renewing our vows gave us the opportunity to pray together as a couple. Holding hands, kneeling in prayer together, with a deep understanding that not only do we love each other, but God loves us too.
We made a promise before God with our friends and family 24 years ago and we affirmed that promise again and celebrated our love for each other.
So why do it again ?
I wanted to show my love to my amazing man. Not just say “I love you” , I wanted him to know how much I love him. For him to understand that I married him for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and in sickness and in health .
These last 12 months we have been living the reality of vows we made to each other on our wedding day. We have felt poor both financially and in life. The dark cloud of depression has shown us how hard life can be living together during times of sickness. We have seen some of the worse days of our lives.
I have prayed that we both had the strength to see us through the dark days. The days when depression and anger were all consuming.
The poor days have taught us how rich and beautiful the life we have together is .
It’s time to be thankful for all that we have, learn to accept our losses and move forward together with love.
Why I said “I do” again?
It was time to move forward with our lives; allow the wounds to heal.
We have been surrounded by love these last 12 months. Supported by friends and family that have had little understanding as to why our lives fell apart.
They have not asked questions, just held us in love and walked us though our grief and pain.
Depression has left its scars but we are loved so much . I wanted to show my husband this amazing love and for him to see it with his own eyes.
Though prayer and love, God has given me back the man I married. A little older and balder but that sweet hearted funny man that I love is still there . He is shining and I am feeling the warmth of his sunshine.
Life is not perfect. I have been embracing each moment. Listening to the beautiful things he says and treasuring our time together as we are never sure what tomorrow will bring.
Today the sun is directly overhead shinning so brightly it’s almost unbearable.
When the sun is not shining, I know it’s still there. Just as I know God loves me even when I might not be feeling it.
Gods love was not on my mind a year ago. I was so trapped, not knowing which way to turn. Those that should have been helping me where not: I was left in an impossible situation.
Twelve months today I was reading “ From fear to love by Bryan Post” a love based approach to helping parent children that have been adopted or in care.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18
I wanted to find out more; just reading the bible passage as part of Bryan’s book that night did not seem enough.
I wanted to read it from the bible. Their was a strong need to want to try understand what was being said and why.
Reading a Bible verse more than once was something that I would not normally do. I read 1 John 4:18 over and over again that evening. Stopping to spend time researching the verse on the internet. Desperately trying to understand why love and fear cannot co exist.
Learning that some of us can be so afraid of love we push it away. I understood that if you feel Gods love you cannot be afraid . God will look after you.
Within hours I suddenly found myself home alone and very scared.
Someone else’s fear had shattered my life and those that I love where also destroyed.
God is so amazing giving me that one verse to hold onto. Curled up on the sofa: crying, rocking and shaking I was not angry only scared. I understood why it had happened.
Through my tears and uncontrollable shacking somehow I understood God was with me.
I wanted to blog about trusting the wrong people. Why do I keep allowing myself to trust and then be so hurt?
The betrayal, the feeling of failure, for having trusted an untrustworthy person keeps happening to me. It raises questions about my judgment; I feel so used and gullible.
The people I trust keep hurting me. They are using my good nature for their own benefits. These are professional people working in the public sector that I keep believing. Believing they will do their job in the professional manner that I would expect.
I keep on praying for a way to forgive them. Wanting the negative energy that it generates to stop; pain to ease and the hurt to be a little less. Repeatedly broken trust that just never seems to get the chance to heal.
It’s hard to forgive when deep down you are no better: I told a very special little person they could trust me. I still cannot move on from the way I unintentionally caused them pain too. The pain of this haunts me every day. It’s a constant reminder of the hurt I caused.
Do the people that hurt me feel the same as I do? I would not wish this pain on them, the constant hurt and questions that go round in my head when I have an idle moment.
I know I will keep trusting and keep getting hurt but it’s the way God made me.
Sometimes I wonder if I am putting too much trust in the wrong people; these people don’t love me. It’s not in their hearts to want to help me. But God does and that’s why I put my trust in God.
Putting my trust in God means I am not alone. God knows me: my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, and dreams. God wants me to put all my confidence in him all the time in everything I do.
I don’t need to get to God through someone else; God is in my heart. I need to learn listen to his voice, the voice inside me that I can trust, the voice that will guide me, help me make decisions, and the voice that will teach me to forgive those I trusted that hurt me.
I still cannot forgive myself for hurting such a special person. I pray that she one day will forgive me, and learn to love and trust again.
Sun rises: pray for the Miracle of Adotion.
In the U.K 4,000 children are waiting for adotion.
I pledge to pray for families; children in the care system and those involved in adoption.
When I first read on the “Thy Kingdom Come” website find some extreme places to pray and film yourselves doing it. I thought of all the beautiful places I could pray: high on a mountain, in a darkest cave, under water in the depth of the sea, riding my bike through the countryside.
When I read it again I realised that I can see God’s beauty and creation in all of these places.
But to others these are not places of beauty but are the extremes of their lives.
The forgotten families and children of our society, often out of sight and unnoticed.
Dear Giving God.
I thank you for the open hearted families that make adoption possible.
Pray for those children; waiting adoption, families waiting for children, the new adoptive and all families that have had their hearts touched by adoption.
Give them strength and perseverance to guide them though the good days and bad days.
Bless them with friends and families that can support them and understand their needs.
Pray for the birth mothers of these children; that they to are supported and shown love and compassion.
Adotion is never easy, each unique beautiful child is a gift from God.
Adoption in a miracle.
Day Fourty – Recieve – Lent Challenge.
This is my last blog for lent, blog number 40/40.
The last 40 days has seen me reading my Bible more and more. Trying to understand myself and the journey I am on and how it all connects to the Bible.
I read my Bible in many forms on my iPad, audio books, Good News Bible (which I received when I got confirmed ). My most treasured Bible belonged to my Grandfather. He died before I was born. Issued to him in Word War Two this pocket size little New Testament Bible made from light weight Indian paper. It was designed to be carried on the left pocket of the soldier’s jacket over his heart. Published by the Naval and Military Bible Society this Bible is a connection to the Grandfather a that I never had.
The Bible has a couple of pages with the corners turned. I want to share with you the verse on one page that has a turned corner.
Reading and typing this I am reading the same words as my Grandfather did back in World War Two.
24.Verily, verily, I say unto you, except a corn of wheat fall into the ground and die; it abideth alone; but if it die, it bringth forth much fruit.
25. He that loveth his life shall lose it; and he that hateth his life in this world shall keep it unto life eternal.
Day Thirty Nine – Give – Lent Challenge.
Three years ago today I said goodbye to my foster son. The little boy that I had loved and cared for the last two and half years was moving to his forever adoptive family. I loved him enough to say goodbye. My love for him allowed me to let him go, allowed him to start a new life in his adoptive family .
Three years ago today I prayed for the strength to say goodbye to my son. I prayed for the first time in my life I cried out to God. Through the tears and pain I felt the presence of God. My strength that morning came from God and allowed me to let go of my little boy’s hand.
Good Friday 2014
Four days had passed since I drove of the drive at home with my little boy.
Spending time settling him in to his new home was challenging and emotional and came back home the day before Good Friday totally exhausted.
Good Friday 2014 was the first day without my little boy, the first morning in over 2.5 years I was not greeted by his smiling face.
Sitting at home full of grief was not the way I wanted to spend Easter, so at the suggestion of my mum we attended the church car wash in the local Homebase car park .
So full of grief I did not want to make eye contact with anyone, so full of grief I could not care if my car was clean or dirty. I remember just wanting the world to swallow me up.
I stoped all conversation with those that tried to make it, smiled politely and just wanted to leave .
A family friend that had lost a son was washing cars and spoke to us. She understood our pain and smiled and gave a hug, it never made it better, it never took away the pain. It gave me some sort of hope that we would be able to survive this.
Today -14/04/2017- Good Friday
Today is Good Friday – the day Jesus was crucified on the cross for us. He carried our pain and suffered our punishment willingly. Jesus doesn’t avoid suffering he does not avoid death, The woman that stayed with him at the foot of the cross did not avoid grief and pain. He could have stopped it, but he didn’t because he loved us so much.
Our sins were nailed to that cross forever. This is only possible because of Jesus and because of love.
Today is a day for reflection, some quiet time and prayer time.
Time to try and take in the scale of Good Friday and what it means, look back over my own life and these past three years.
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.
Day Thirty Eight – Deliver -Lent Challenge.
I loved my job as a post lady, spending time outside delivering letters and parcels to the same group of houses for over two year. During that time I got to know all my houses and all my people. I knew the names of their children, the schools they went to, where they went on holiday, when they were on holiday, those that had speeding tickets, birthdays, anniversaries. I delivered cards congratulating on a new baby. I delivered sympathy cards, love letters, passports and premium bond wins .
Each person known by their front door and by name, I very rarely saw the person behind the door.
That’s not unlike my non existent relationship with God that I used to have ( before 2014 ). I had no idea he knew everything about me. I just bumbled along my life totally unaware that God was with me. I used to question and wonder how there could even possibly be a God in a world of so much pain.
I just could not see it myself, but he was waiting for that day I opened my heart to him. I still find this totally amazing.
I used to find it very strange that God knows me so well, even a little uneasy about it all .
God knew that I did not believe in him, knew that I could not understand why others believed.
He knows my thoughts and understands my pain. When I behave in a way that I should not he is still there. I now find it a comfort, a reassurance that what ever happens in my life I will never again be alone, never be in a dark place with no way out.
Psalm 147:3-5Good News Translation
He heals the broken-hearted
and bandages their wounds.
He has decided the number of the stars
and calls each one by name.
Great and mighty is our Lord;
his wisdom cannot be measured.