Love : I know love heals, I know love hurts. I did not really understand just how much love gives hope.
Friday I attended a service of remembrance. There I felt and saw the love that gives hope.
Gods unquenchable, unstoppable love freed my heart opening my eyes to the abundance of love that filled the church with hope.
Hope allowed me to smile when I wanted to cry. To feel the wind of Love that comes from knowing God.
The words in the service echoed the words in my heart and mind. Weaving prayers, poems and memories with love so powerful it become visible.
Visible love traveled in conversations, It filled a church, It provided sandwiches, cakes and tea and coffee.
It’s no surprise the wonderful lady we came to remember was very gifted in making God visible. She really knew and understood what it took to love. She never stopped, even when she hurt and was in so much pain herself she still loved. She still smiled, still found time to make fairy cakes with chocolate buttons on the top.
Her love will never go away, she has touched so many lives that her love will last forever. The work she has done in our community’s will continue, taking on a life of its own.
She never changed the world, she helped change the worlds of the people she meet.
It was a privilege to have known this beautiful lady, that her world touched mine.
We have a tree planted in memory of my dad in our local church yard planted against a wall covered in ivy and shadowed by a massive holly tree.
This is my new place to hide away from the world a private place to pray and be with god on my own, it’s a safe place where I can cry laugh sing and pray out loud or just be quite with god.
Today I climbed up and sat on the wall ,looking out on the world through the leaves of the holly tree I listened to some music and prayed and cried and once again felt gods amazing love in our ever changing world it was such a real comfort to me to know that we have a never-changing God.
Even though everything around me has changed so much gods love never changes, gods ability to provide and meet my needs never changes .
No matter what else changes around me God will never change . In an ever-changing world, He is a never-changing God.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
God is with me I feel it: I am loved, a deep unconditional love that’s so strong it’s hard to describe.
I feel so sad and so broken-hearted I can’t see a way up .
I pray and trust God to watch over me. I understand this process of pain has a purpose and only by trusting God will I come out the other end a stronger better person .
My prayers offer me comfort and security, I am a child of God and trust my loving father .
How do I allow what I truly feel to come out. I want to scream cry and fall into gods arms and be held tight until I am strong enough to get back up.
I want a safe place to allow myself to just let go to cry out the pain to allow God into my broken heart to start the process of healing.
Today was not going to be easy this weeks lack of sleep and the sadness within me has a lot to do with today.
Family events in church are always going to be tough but today it’s extra hard. I would like to join in and celebrate with other families but seeing them all happy will be to much and today church is not a place to cry. Today it’s a place to rejoice in our young people and give thanks to God as they start a new school year.
The early service was the place to worship this morning followed by a quick exist so not to bump into the arriving families .
My quick exit plan did not go unnoticed and after a few hugs and polite conversation I ended up sitting under a tree ( planted in memory of my dad) in the church yard out of sight of the arriving families. The tears came in floods and floods and when I eventually calmed myself down. I sat quiet and still with my eyes closed to my own thoughts and prayers .
When I opened my eyes sat at my feet was a beautiful robin, I looked up and another was sat on my basket of my bike.
The message was loud and clear I need to stop looking back and start to look forward.
Yes I am loved by God it’s so obvious and no escaping it ,life is beautiful .
Proverbs 4:25 ESV / 85
Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.
I have been slowly building a little wall around my heart. Protecting my myself from grief and more pain, the wall has just been breached and it hurts like crazy .
The pain is once again in my chest and heart. It hurts because I got caught out by something so simple and unexpected .
I got complaisant, I thought my walls where high enough to let some love in but not enough to get hurt again.
I had stopped building and planning where to build the next wall. No longer looking for slips and trips life was ok.
I feel foolish for allowing this to happen and not sure how to pick myself up of the floor and rebuild my walls.
Deep down I know building walls is not the answer if tears are what is needed than they should flow and I need to be true to myself. I cannot be open to love or God behind a wall however small it might be, my heart needs love to heal.
I need to stay focused to be able to allow Jesus to walk along side me and guide me on the path he has chosen for me .
I can’t do that behind Wall!
The list of positives from dog ownership far outweigh the negative companionship, love, relaxation the list just goes on but most will agree dog ownership enhances your life.
The black dog that has attached its self to my husband is the opposite it’s unpredictable, controlling, self-centered, and needs constant supervision.
This dog seems very loyal to my husband it’s never far away from him and often shows up when you least want him. He does not think twice about humiliating me in front of friends and family.
It controls my husband’s thoughts and feelings and comes between us.If you leave him at home he becomes anxious and panics so I need to plan my going out.
At times the dog gets very scared and has horrid negative thoughts that keep my husband awake at night, life with the dog is at times terrifying dark and painful.
God is with both of us and how ever dark our world is God is still their. I can feel this and work at keeping my heart and mind open to God but at times the black dog gets in the way of everything, blocks our positive thoughts controlling both of us.
I need to see the good the positive and Beauty every day. The Black dog has no idea of what’s good and tries’s to destroy all it touches. It will not give a second thought to biting the hand that loves and cares for it.
With medication we are starting to control the dog. We get times when the dog is calm and controlled and I get my husband back. The kind, funny, loving, clever man that I married. I wish we could leave the Black dog at him home every day. That’s just not possible we have to learn to live with the dog and control it.
I pray every day that with professional help, love and medication we will be able to live along side the Black dog. Leave it at home alone and spend more and more time without it but always understanding that he will always be with us in one way or another but under our control.
As I open myself to you in prayer and listen to your wisdom my heart is hurting to witness such depression in my loving husband.
I pray that he can feel your love and in time you will return to me the man I married.
I made a promise to him in your presence, I promise I will never break.
I pray for the strength to support him and the professional’s and medication to allow him to see a future worth living for.
I pray for the many thousands of people in this world with depression that they will see your light and your love.
Pain is making me a stronger person. It’s pushing and squeezing me into a different person, that’s where the pain is coming from the squeezing and pushing and remoulding.
Walking home this evening the tears would not stop, I looked upwards at the beautiful clear sky and felt as if Jesus was walking with me.
I still feel so sad and empty. I need to refilled with something different. The refilling process is still too painful to happen but when it does I will be ready to do what I am being called for.
I just want time just to pray and not have to do or think about anything else.
I want to stop.
I want to reflect.
I want to be alone.
I want to cry.
I want to understand.
I want to sleep.
I want to love.
I want to be selfish and do things for me.
But instead I have to cook, nurse, work, care, love, and find time to pray.
I said a few blogs back I would not be angry but today I am angry that I can’t have time to be myself.
Angry that I have been denied so many beautiful things and just left with the wreckage of something that was once so beautiful.
Angry that I never got to finish what I started.
Angry at the broken promises I made.
Angry with myself for hurting so much.
Angry with myself because if I trusted and loved God 100% then I would not be scared and fearful.
Angry with myself for being Angry.
I just want to stop hurting – I just want the pain to go away – I just want to feel ME.
“My God turns my darkness into light.” – Psalms 18:28