Horologist Needed.

Only a few blogs ago pain suffocated and consumed me. Deep penetrating pain from the person I love. It hurt me in a deep way I never thought was possible.

The only way I can describe what happened is by thinking of it as a clock. A clock that keeps getting wound up. Winding it when it has not had time to wind down. Winding it when it did not need winding . Pushing and stressing the internal workings of the clock. Yet it keeps getting wound. It’s gets to the point as much as we try to turn the key it not longer turns. The clock cannot take anymore but we still keep trying to turn the key. All that that inward wound up energy and it has to be realised . Months and months of overwinding explode outwards. Bits of clock exploding at force in all directions damaging all that’s in its path.

The clock is painfully broken.

I don’t know how to mend broken clocks . I can pray and I know that prayer works. It does not work in ways I always imagine. I have been learning that . Prayer does not put right a wrong .

The clock is painfully broken spreading its broken pieces far and wide. But it’s not beyond repair. With love and prayer we can pick up the broken pieces .
I pray that that as a community, professionals and individuals we can all work together to find all the broken pieces of my beloved clock.
I pray that as each piece is put back with love and prayer it works better and stronger than before.
I pray that this new renewed clock will run on faith and love not anger and pain.
Prayer allows me to ask others for help without saying why? It allows me to say this is far to much for me to handle God please take this from me I can’t deal with it.
Prayer means I am not alone. It’s a place to cry to be held and fall asleep.
Prayer is the only time and place that I feel completely understood.

God feels my pain. I can’t completely describe my pain to others but with God it’s just known.
With God it’s shared without words.
Some days like today prayer and God is just all to overwhelming, words are replaced with tears.
Holding the broken clock and praying for it to be mended is sometimes all I have to hold onto.

I have just read for the second time Max Lucado’s book “Before Amen” through the pain and joy of the last few weeks it’s been the pocket prayer that has punctured my day .
Saying bits of it or all of it as part of my ongoing conversation with God thought out the day.

Father
You are good
I need your help, heal me and forgive me.
We need help
In Jesus name
Amen.

I am normally not very good at praying or myself. I pray for everyone but myself. I am learning that in order for me to take care of others I need to look after myself too.
Since the clock broke I have only had the energy for prayers for me and my clock. Each word and the silence that is God has only been for us.
Without us their is no moving forward . Its the us that helps make me. It’s the us that makes me smile and laugh. Its his honesty in all that he does that I love. His outstanding way of making sure everything he does is done to his best ability with fairness and accuracy.
I can’t imagine a world when my clock does not tick. We have to repair this broken clock with love and prayer. I pray when it comes to its first gentle winding I have enough strength left to turn the Key.

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Philippians 4:6-7The Message (MSG)
6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

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Why I said “I do” again?

The reasons why I wanted to say “I do” again.

My dad escorted me down the aisle of our parish church, to marry the man of my dreams. Surrounded by friends and  family we said our vows to each other with love and meaning.
We were young, and very much head over heels in love. We are still very much in love. It’s a different love today; a love that has matured and developed with age. A  love that has been battered and bruised, a deep rooted love.

So why do it again?

I wanted to say the words with God in my heart . I wanted to stand at the altar and feel the words.  Not just say them – actually feel them .
God was not a part of my life when we got married .We exchanged our wedding vows, knelt for the prayers. The vows were exchanged with love, thought and meaning . The prayers  were said but only as words not with meaning.
Renewing our vows gave us the opportunity to  pray together as a couple. Holding hands, kneeling in prayer together, with a deep understanding that not only do we love each other, but God loves us too.
We made a promise before God with our friends and family 24 years ago and we affirmed that promise again and celebrated  our love for each other.

So why do it again ?

I wanted to show my love to my amazing man. Not just say “I love you” , I wanted him  to know how much  I love him. For him to understand  that I  married him for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and in sickness and in health .
These last 12 months we have been living the reality of vows we made to each other on our wedding day. We have felt poor both  financially and in life. The dark cloud of depression has shown us how  hard life can be living together during times of sickness. We have seen some of the worse days of  our lives.
I have prayed that we both had the strength to see us through the dark days. The days when depression and anger were all consuming.
The poor days have taught us how rich and beautiful the life we have together is .
It’s time to be thankful  for all that we have, learn to  accept our losses and move forward together with love.

Why I said “I do” again?

It was time to move forward with our lives; allow the wounds to heal.
We have been surrounded by love these last 12 months. Supported  by friends and family that have had little understanding as to why our lives fell apart.
They have not asked questions, just held us in love and walked us though our grief and pain.
Depression has left its scars but we are loved so much . I wanted to show my husband this amazing love and for him to see it with his own eyes.

Though prayer and love, God  has given me back the man I married.  A little older and balder but that sweet hearted funny man that I love is still there . He is shining and  I am feeling the warmth of his sunshine.
Life is not perfect. I  have been embracing each moment. Listening to the beautiful things he says and treasuring our time together as we are never sure what tomorrow will bring.

 

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The reality dawned

overwhelmed, confused, helpless are just a few words to describe how I feel, Taking the brunt of my husbands depression his anger and indifference is so painfully hurtful. And It’s not going to go away , the reality dawned on me today he won’t ever get better not 100% . Depression will leave its mark on him , on me and our marriage .
He will have times without depression but it will never truly go. Always be somewhere waiting for a opportunity to try and destroy us.
Caring and loving a angry man is not always easy, loving someone that puts you down pushes you away , picks fault in all you do to help them and reduces me to tears.
God loves us unconditionally, he still loves me when I am angry and when I’m ill , so why should my love stop for my husband just because he is ill.
Today I prayed for all those nursing and caring for a loved one with depression , the pain they suffer when the one they love pushes them away .
Depression causes relationship problems , suicide and the belief that nobody cares for them
Love Prayer the healing power of touch is all I can offer .
Faith and trust in god ,help me every day to love as god loves me.

I loved you at your darkest. Romans 5:8.

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He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul.

Our storm has blown itself out it was due to return January 2017, it’s been a very destructive storm that has left a massive debris trail and hurt many people close to my heart.
The clearing up will take a while but with love and prayer I am sure once we start the clean up work we will truly see the light from the terrible darkness we have been living in.
As I look back over the past 6 months I see such terrible darkness and pain but I also see the light and the hope that my faith gave me . The storm strengthened my faith, my confidence grew and I realised how much love was all around me , it gave me the strength to fight for justice , strong Friendships have been formed we laughed we cried and I understood the meaning of what a church family is and the support and love they showed was beyond words .
At times I became so low only my love for god and my determination not to be beaten allowed me to function .
I still have a poorly husband but now have a husband with a reason to get better, a reason to live and a future to plan.

Today my tears of gratitude flowed , my heart is filled with hope and thanks and the wonderful feeling that god my father has encouraged me and guided in my darkness , pushed me to my outer limits but never let me fall, dried my tears and held me tight .
When the pain became to much god just held me in his arms and allowed me to sleep the more I allowed god into my life and trusted , the stronger my faith grew
We are celebrating but it’s important to remember those that are still in the darkness especially pray for those that are alone as they have to yet find the love of god.
Today the word is so beautiful and exciting full of new opportunities

Psalms 118 This is the day which the LORD has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.

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I Daniel Blake.

 

I went into the cinema already feeling broken and tearful. Unsure if even going to see “ I Daniel Blake “ was even a good idea.
It was a strong hard hitting film; emotionally hard hitting from the start to the end.
Their was hardly a dry eye in the cinema; I left feeling angry and more determined than ever that a system that does not work would not destroy us.
The film follows Daniel Blake being destroyed and humiliated by a system that just cannot afford to care. A system that shows no love and compassion and offers no hope for the future. It’s grim depressing and unrelenting but should be seen by everyone .
I felt the need to protect my broken husband from that system. A system that would lower his self esteem even further, that would cause even more pain and upset.
I worry every day that I will lose my husband to depression. I will not add even more pressure to his life and see him destroyed even further suffering at the hands of the DWP.
He needs his confidence boasted not lowered, he needs to be valued as a person and respected for what he knows and what he can offer society.
He is a wonderful, caring, honest, hard working person and a child of God and loved by God .
I will trust in God to guide me through our dark days and being part of a supportive church family we can survive this a come out the other end.

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Only Tears Left.

Seemed to have hit the bottom with a thud .
I have not landed on my feet and I don’t know how to get back up.
Lack of sleep is just making it worse .
Running, praying and crying is my effort to get back on my feet .
But I can’t run far enough or pray hard enough to find my feet .
Reading my old blogs I can see the determination that I used to have but it’s all gone.
I can’t see the beautiful things I could see before it’s all out of my reach .
Drained of everything the only thing left is tears I want to say hope, but not sure if I even have that left in me.

I love Because Its The Only Way Forward.

My head is clear and the need to cry has almost gone. I can concentrate on work pray without sleeping and feel truly blessed to be alive and live in this beautiful word and follow Jesus.
I feel so calm and ready to move forward, amazed at the changes in myself and they are all positive.
Grief is a roller coaster and I might just be on a up, I do feel it’s more than just a up before the down.
But I only have to look a few feet away and the changes in my husband are not so positive and the depression and situation is taking its negative toll.
He is so angry inside and full of negative thoughts. He wants to blame an individual the hate he feels is so strong.
He can seem positive and at times over excitable and irrational. But he is on a roller coaster of emotions often saying hurtful things without knowing it or caring. The nightmares the panic he experiences are so powerful at times he wants to end his life as the pain is just to much to cope with.
He can’t understand why I won’t be angry. His mind is controlled by his depression which leaves little room for faith and love .
Having Gods beautiful unconditional love is the reason I function and will continue to love and pray and not be destroyed by past events.
I feel so under skilled to help my lovely man. I will of course love him and pray for him but feel so helpless and have so little understanding helping someone with mental health issues .

Romans 5:4 – perseverance, character; and character, hope.

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