Someone Else’s Fear.

Today the sun is directly overhead shinning so brightly it’s almost unbearable.
When the sun is not shining, I know it’s still there. Just as I know God loves me even when I might not be feeling it.
Gods love was not on my mind a year ago. I was so trapped, not knowing which way to turn. Those that should have been helping me where not: I was left in an impossible situation.
Twelve months today I was reading “ From fear to love by Bryan Post” a love based approach to helping parent children that have been adopted or in care.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18
I wanted to find out more; just reading the bible passage as part of Bryan’s book that night did not seem enough.
I wanted to read it from the bible. Their was a strong need to want to try understand what was being said and why.
Reading a Bible verse more than once was something that I would not normally do. I read 1 John 4:18 over and over again that evening. Stopping to spend time researching the verse on the internet. Desperately trying to understand why love and fear cannot co exist.
Learning that some of us can be so afraid of love we push it away. I understood that if you feel Gods love you cannot be afraid . God will look after you.
Within hours I suddenly found myself home alone and very scared.
Someone else’s fear had shattered my life and those that I love where also destroyed.
God is so amazing giving me that one verse to hold onto. Curled up on the sofa: crying, rocking and shaking I was not angry only scared. I understood why it had happened.
Through my tears and uncontrollable shacking somehow I understood God was with me.

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Trust.

I wanted to blog about trusting the wrong people. Why do I keep allowing myself to trust and then be so hurt?
The betrayal, the feeling of failure, for having trusted an untrustworthy person keeps happening to me. It raises questions about my judgment; I feel so used and gullible.
The people I trust keep hurting me. They are using my good nature for their own benefits. These are professional people working in the public sector that I keep believing. Believing they will do their job in the professional manner that I would expect.

I keep on praying for a way to forgive them. Wanting the negative energy that it generates to stop; pain to ease and the hurt to be a little less. Repeatedly broken trust that just never seems to get the chance to heal.

It’s hard to forgive when deep down you are no better: I told a very special little person they could trust me. I still cannot move on from the way I unintentionally caused them pain too. The pain of this haunts me every day. It’s a constant reminder of the hurt I caused.

Do the people that hurt me feel the same as I do? I would not wish this pain on them, the constant hurt and questions that go round in my head when I have an idle moment.

I know I will keep trusting and keep getting hurt but it’s the way God made me.
Sometimes I wonder if I am putting too much trust in the wrong people; these people don’t love me. It’s not in their hearts to want to help me. But God does and that’s why I put my trust in God.

Putting my trust in God means I am not alone. God knows me: my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, and dreams. God wants me to put all my confidence in him all the time in everything I do.

I don’t need to get to God through someone else; God is in my heart. I need to learn listen to his voice, the voice inside me that I can trust, the voice that will guide me, help me make decisions, and the voice that will teach me to forgive those I trusted that hurt me.

I still cannot forgive myself for hurting such a special person. I pray that she one day will forgive me, and learn to love and trust again.
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Rules of love

Day 29 – Live _ Lent Challenge .
The rules and laws set out for us in our modern world seem negative and often their seems to be a gap in how we want to live our lives as Christian’s and what the rules say we can and can’t do.
How often do we read rules ? That include the words love, strength, heart, soul and forgiveness . We are more likely to read rules which include words threat, cannot, restricted, prosecute, judge, illegal and penalty .
Laws and rules are set rigid they do not allow for compassion they do not bend listen or understand circumstances .
Rules that are made in fear , to protect governments , organisations and the population as a whole and do not cater for the individual.
We are a society scared of being sued , scared of each other , so we create rules and laws out of fear.

” Love the lord God with all your heart and with all your soul and all your strength and all your mind, and love your neighbour as yourself”
It’s a rule for life, away of living ,no negative words, just being told what we can do and most importantly you most do it with love.

Luke 10:27New International Version (NIV)

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and, ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.”

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Fear and love cannot coexist

Day Six –  lent challenge – fear 

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us. ” –Marianne Williamson

We fear what we don’t know , the children that I have cared for don’t know love, they have trouble connecting to others managing their own emotions , lack trust and self worth , they are angry and often feel unsafe and alone, their lives are controlled by fear.
When you first become a foster carer you just think they just need love, and they do need love, they need it so much. But they fear love
But it’s just not as simple as loving them Years of negative experiences and negative relationships leave these young children feeling repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—they will learn that they are unloveable and can’t depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.
Living in fear these children are sad, you can see it in their eyes , they have a sort of emptiness about them an inner sadness, but somewhere also locked deep inside is love, love that is to afraid to come out in case it’s rejected again.
Many of these children have parents that live in fear unable to break the cycle they pass fear onto their children instead of love , but all these children are loved by god and loving foster carers and adoptive families, they can learn to love they might not love back straight away but given time and they will be able to move from fear to love.

Psalm 34
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

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A letter does not show my tears

I can’t change the past and in many ways I don’t want to as the pain has changed me and only pain would and could have done that.
But I do need to move on, it’s not a easy process letting go to break the cycle of anger and frustration , needing to be free of the pain the resentment and bitterness that eats away inside me, I have become a slave to my emotions and sticking to my principles was to a high a price to pay , I can’t afford anymore more pain , it’s all to hurtful and the pain has grown into a monster of it’s own bigger and greater than love.
I wanted my see and face the people that caused the pain, I wanted to tell them how much it hurt.
I wrote a letter instead , a letter does not show my tears, does not let them see my pain.
It’s not for me to cause more suffering and upset ,that’s not who I am and not someone I want to become .
Trusting in our loving god and praying will help me to move on draw a line under what has happened in the past and strive forward to the future .
I can’t forget what happened but I can learn to forgive , Move from bitterness into love ,allow peace to heal my wounded heart and break this cycle ,leaning to forgive is a long process no quick fix , but posting that letter was one massive step forward , I felt gods presence as a signed the letter my eyes quickly filled with tears of relief knowing god is with me and the journey of healing and forgiveness can move forward.

1 Peter 1:6 Good News Translation (GNT)
Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer.

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what is my truth

Movie info
12-year-old Conor is dealing with his mother’s illness, a less-than-sympathetic grandmother and bullying classmates, finds a most unlikely ally when a Monster appears at his bedroom window. Ancient, wild, and relentless, the Monster guides Conor on a journey of courage, faith, and truth.

Often when we see a film we have a firm idea of what to expect this film took me by surprise by its depth and beauty its way it deals with grief . The imagery was fantastic but it drew so many parallels in my own life how I have been shaped and changed by grief and left me wondering what my truth was .
The monster in the film is a yew tree a giant yew tree that turns into the monster , Yew tree clippings offer hope and a cure for cancer but yew tree berries are deadly poisonous . The tree is both a giver and taker of life .

The monster was someone Connor could talk to in his darkest hour, someone to listen to him and vent his angry, someone to understand and know his pain and strong enough to carry his pain . The monster would not remove the circumstances that where causing the pain but he walked with Connor through it and taught him how to deal with it .

The monster told stories telling us good and bad are sometimes are not as they seem. The monster adds that Conor should be careful where and in whom he puts his belief.

It was a yew tree that I knelt under back in April 2014 , it was on that day I cried out to god and asked for strength to get through the pain I was going though. The film shows Connor distressed crying out for help under the yew tree and in the end being held in the trees love and the tree offering guidance and support so he could get though the toughest time in his life. The tree stayed with Connor it’s branches reaching and spreading far and wide just as gods love reaches and spreads far and wide, just as god reached out to me and strayed with me .

The tree asked Conor to tell him of his nightmare , Connor replied he wanted his mum to die wanted it to be over the pain they where both going through to stop , I remember that same feeling when my dad was in the last stages of cancer wanting him to die not wanting to go though the pain of watching the man I love being eaten up by cancer.
Connor was than given an opportunity to speak the truth to his mum and he tells he he does not want her to die wants her to live and be with him.
I never told my dad this I never found the words to express myself the last time I saw him, I held his hand hardly able to look at him but at the same time wanting to stare at him, remember his face imprint it in my mind, every line wrinkle and gesture .
Instead I sat their afraid to say the wrong thing afraid to speech the truth, we sat in silence , both with a head full of words but not able to say them.
The monster in the film helped Connor face the truth so he could let his mum go .
I wonder if I had god in my life back than would I have said something to my dad the last day I saw him , trusting my fears to god maybe would have allowed me to say what needed to be said instead I was silent , my fears greater than god to big and ugly blacking out what was right in front of me , I was yet to know gods love..
God knows my truths , knows my fears my regrets and what scares me most.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

1 Peter 5:7 NIVr

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Believing in myself

I spent this morning reading my own blog it reduced me to tears , I am amazed at the journey we have been on, I forgot how low we had been and how much pain we where both in only 6 months ago.
It’s been an incredible journey so far and I got the feeling when reading it that I am not so afraid of failing , not so afraid of being me and standing up for myself and the others that I love .
We made it to new year together and in love , love drives , love protects but love also destroys and causes pain and loss.
Back in the summer when I was in so much pain I could not understand why others could have God in their lives without having to go through all the pain that I was suffering .
It felt unfair and at times I felt angry about having to go through so much loss and pain to find gods love.
My life has changed so much , the road ahead is different to the road ahead only one year ago, it’s not the road I expected to travel along and have no idea where it will lead me.
God knows what lies ahead and what ever happens god will be with me.
My life is full of new possibilities, embracing each day and just spreading gods love following Jesus has become who I am.
About 4 months ago I wrote a list of things to inspire me make me a better person , most just personal goals.
One goal was to run a half marathon , I did it last week I was so afraid I would fail, so afraid I would hold people back, but the opposite happened I trusted god and believed in myself and just over three hours later I returned , muddy and smiling I did it.
It’s fear that stops me doing so much, fear of failing , fear of what will happen if I don’t get it right .
Fear allows doubt , fear distorts and destroys fear puts up walls and stops god allowing me to be the person god is calling me to, fear allows darkness where their should be light.

2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

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