The Space Between Two Words.

For a while have I been trying to blog about the day I sat with my beautiful friend who was terminally ill with cancer.
I just could not find the words, so wrote this poem. It’s about the day we spent  together waiting for two callers.
First was the vet coming  to put my friend’s dog to sleep. A faithful old dog that was entering the end of her life. Cancer was eating her up at an alarming rate and she was suffering.
We made the decision that I could not look after two old ladies with cancer so Lucy was put to sleep with love and dignity. She died in our arms with the people she loved.
Hours later the ambulance came to take my friend to a hospice. A wonderful place full of compassionate staff. My friend slowly died over the next 6 weeks.
There are no words  to express how we both felt that day only silence between two friends.

The space between two words

Silence whirls and settles on the sofa.
Exhausted words filling every space.
Heartbroken words too afraid to form.
Locked up words that want to stamp and rage.
Unspoken painful truthful words.
Will it ever be the right time?
To say what’s on my mind.
Silence is the only word that remains.

Love and silence fills every space.
Salt-laced words that drip and run.
Words that can only be shed.
Splashing  overflowing  emotions that puddle and soothe.
Trying to tell each other that we both understand.
Wanting to shout out “Why?”.
Wanting to say, “Please don’t die.”

Memories marching though our minds:
Evenings on the sofa, tea and chatter
Like nothing mattered.
Mutual thinking, simultaneous laughter.
Parallel thoughts unite our pain.
Overflowing , overpowering unwanted grief.
Mourning, journeying, our eyes meet.

Eyes that tell our stories.
Eyes that do not lie.
Sandpaper exhausted eyes from late nights, early mornings.
Nursing my dying friend.
Her eyes old  and fading.
Tired  and cloudy near the end.
Observing eyes leaking painful tears.
Avoiding each other as it hurts to see
Just how much pain is inside you and me.

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Why I said “I do” again?

The reasons why I wanted to say “I do” again.

My dad escorted me down the aisle of our parish church, to marry the man of my dreams. Surrounded by friends and  family we said our vows to each other with love and meaning.
We were young, and very much head over heels in love. We are still very much in love. It’s a different love today; a love that has matured and developed with age. A  love that has been battered and bruised, a deep rooted love.

So why do it again?

I wanted to say the words with God in my heart . I wanted to stand at the altar and feel the words.  Not just say them – actually feel them .
God was not a part of my life when we got married .We exchanged our wedding vows, knelt for the prayers. The vows were exchanged with love, thought and meaning . The prayers  were said but only as words not with meaning.
Renewing our vows gave us the opportunity to  pray together as a couple. Holding hands, kneeling in prayer together, with a deep understanding that not only do we love each other, but God loves us too.
We made a promise before God with our friends and family 24 years ago and we affirmed that promise again and celebrated  our love for each other.

So why do it again ?

I wanted to show my love to my amazing man. Not just say “I love you” , I wanted him  to know how much  I love him. For him to understand  that I  married him for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and in sickness and in health .
These last 12 months we have been living the reality of vows we made to each other on our wedding day. We have felt poor both  financially and in life. The dark cloud of depression has shown us how  hard life can be living together during times of sickness. We have seen some of the worse days of  our lives.
I have prayed that we both had the strength to see us through the dark days. The days when depression and anger were all consuming.
The poor days have taught us how rich and beautiful the life we have together is .
It’s time to be thankful  for all that we have, learn to  accept our losses and move forward together with love.

Why I said “I do” again?

It was time to move forward with our lives; allow the wounds to heal.
We have been surrounded by love these last 12 months. Supported  by friends and family that have had little understanding as to why our lives fell apart.
They have not asked questions, just held us in love and walked us though our grief and pain.
Depression has left its scars but we are loved so much . I wanted to show my husband this amazing love and for him to see it with his own eyes.

Though prayer and love, God  has given me back the man I married.  A little older and balder but that sweet hearted funny man that I love is still there . He is shining and  I am feeling the warmth of his sunshine.
Life is not perfect. I  have been embracing each moment. Listening to the beautiful things he says and treasuring our time together as we are never sure what tomorrow will bring.

 

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I will Never.

Day Thirty Five – Imagine  – lent Challenge

I never imagined I would be able to say goodbye to my babies that died, I never imagined there would be the right place, or the right time.
I never imagined I would have the strength to let them go, the courage to face the realisation that I can’t hold on to them for ever. This was all made possible by the faith I never imagined I would have .
The right place was the Lady’s Chapel in Exeter cathedral, the right time was 8th of April 2017.
The strength and courage came from God and prayers.

The service was beautiful and very moving acknowledging baby loss as something you never get over but something you need to learn to live with.
The poem ” I will Never ” by Clark- Coates / Fossberry was read out and afterwards a hand bell was passed around during the playing of Pie Jesu recorded by Katherine Jenkins .

I held the bell knowing I would chime it 5 times, a chime for each precious life, it felt for the first time that they were babies .
I prayed for God to care for them until I can be with them again, I looked at the candles burning in the chapel, as the flame flickered it reminded me that although they are gone the flame in my heart will never go out but remain lit and burn brightly.
The chimes allowed me to let go and pass my pain to God, I have carried this pain for a very long time and the time has come to allow God to carry the pain and leave me with warmth and love .
The beautiful stained glass window In the chapel showed Mary holding Jesus as a baby cradled lovingly in her arms. The little baby that she had once held in her arms died crucified on a wooden cross, and pierced her heart. Jesus was her son and she was his mother .

In the presence of God I said my goodbyes, God who knows my needs, hears my cries and heals my wounds .
The hymn Amazing Grace was sung and radiated around the little chapel, the light of the spring day cast colourful shadows of light over us as we sang. The warmth of this sun gently soothing my pain and drying my tears .

I Will Never

I will never get to hold your hand through a storm.
I will never get to wipe your sticky fingers.
I will never get to teach you to tie your shoelaces.

I will never get to watch you catch your first snowflake.
I will never get to know who your best friend would have been.
I will never get to see you fall in love.
I will never get to hear you tell me about your first day at work.
I will never get to hear you tell me ” l’m going to be a grandparent.
But always know ……..
I will never be too proud to ask for help.
I will never be too scared to say this hurts.
I will never be too frightened to declare you matter.
I will never be too afraid to carry on living .
And
I will never forget you
I will never stop saying your name.
I will never stop wondering who you would have been.
I will never stop loving you.
I will never stop remembering the sound of this bell, rung in memory of you.
By Clark – Coates / Fosberry.

1 Peter 5:7Good News Translation
Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.

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Agony of infertility

Day Twelve –  lent challenge-  Hope
For 21 years, I struggled to conceive . I counted days, took vitamins, fertility chats , blood tests
God has used the agony of infertility to grow and shape my faith I am grateful for my infertility. It is a blessing that took me on a journey of fostering and faith .

If you are struggling with infertility, God holds you close to His heart. I pray that wherever you are on this journey, that God will give you wisdom and peace

When a negative becomes both positive and negative .

We both agreed to start a family
10 months latter baby – easy
21 years pass no baby number two.
Ovulation, pregnancy dominated my every thought .
Positive tests have negative outcomes
Negative tests have negative outcomes .
Positive means pregnant – pain and loss
Negative means not pregnant – pain and loss
Miscarriage’s , ectopic pregnancy’s
Life of folic acid, healthy eating, doctors fertility clinics
Pregnancies that threaten my life.
Emergency surgery – grief , hurt , anger .
Heart full of love for each unborn child.
Children that never grew up,
Children that never cried.
Beautiful loved babies ,
Blessed that I have learned to except
Able to grieve and cry
Never ever giving up hope .

“even tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil – for you are with me – your rod and staff comfort me” psalm 23

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unanswered Questions

Day Severn –  lent challenge – questions 

The film spotlight tells the riveting true story of the Pulitzer Prize-winning Boston Globe investigation that would rock the city and cause a crisis in one of the world’s oldest and most trusted institutions. When the newspaper’s tenacious “Spotlight” team of reporters delves into allegations of abuse in the Catholic Church, their year-long investigation uncovers a decades-long cover-up at the highest levels of Boston’s religious, legal, and government establishment, touching off a wave of revelations around the world. This tense investigative dramatic-thriller traces the steps to one of the biggest cover-ups in modern times.

After watching the film I was left with many questions but one very big question

How could people of faith rob these people of their faith ?

I have a personal level to this film I was brought up with a negative view of the Catholic Church , I have seen how much anger and hate-rid it caused and thought I understood the reasons why ,  since developing my own faith and how that has changed my life around I feel so much pain and hurt as the person I loved was never given that opportunity to develop their own faith as it had been tainted by someone they should have respected loved and valued.
When in times of trouble we turn to God, we turn to the church we trust we give and we love.
But what happens when you turn to the church and it turns on you , destroys you as a person and any faith that you might have .
God is love – he loves us unconditionally as his children . The film just hurt the core of my beliefs I keep asking myself the same question that how can man of faith be so evil and cause so much pain and yet still they carry on living out their faith.
“Spotlight” reminds me that if we don’t speak up when we see something we know is wrong, then we become participants in the ruination of others, the film focuses on the fact that each individual priest acted in alone, but it was the system the failed, the system the covered for them and allowed them to move on and repeat the abuse over and over again.
The photo today is a place where I go to pray and feel close to the People that I love that are no longer with us. I have hundreds of questions zooming around in my head from them. But no answers some questions are best left unanswered .

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalms 147:3

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what is my truth

Movie info
12-year-old Conor is dealing with his mother’s illness, a less-than-sympathetic grandmother and bullying classmates, finds a most unlikely ally when a Monster appears at his bedroom window. Ancient, wild, and relentless, the Monster guides Conor on a journey of courage, faith, and truth.

Often when we see a film we have a firm idea of what to expect this film took me by surprise by its depth and beauty its way it deals with grief . The imagery was fantastic but it drew so many parallels in my own life how I have been shaped and changed by grief and left me wondering what my truth was .
The monster in the film is a yew tree a giant yew tree that turns into the monster , Yew tree clippings offer hope and a cure for cancer but yew tree berries are deadly poisonous . The tree is both a giver and taker of life .

The monster was someone Connor could talk to in his darkest hour, someone to listen to him and vent his angry, someone to understand and know his pain and strong enough to carry his pain . The monster would not remove the circumstances that where causing the pain but he walked with Connor through it and taught him how to deal with it .

The monster told stories telling us good and bad are sometimes are not as they seem. The monster adds that Conor should be careful where and in whom he puts his belief.

It was a yew tree that I knelt under back in April 2014 , it was on that day I cried out to god and asked for strength to get through the pain I was going though. The film shows Connor distressed crying out for help under the yew tree and in the end being held in the trees love and the tree offering guidance and support so he could get though the toughest time in his life. The tree stayed with Connor it’s branches reaching and spreading far and wide just as gods love reaches and spreads far and wide, just as god reached out to me and strayed with me .

The tree asked Conor to tell him of his nightmare , Connor replied he wanted his mum to die wanted it to be over the pain they where both going through to stop , I remember that same feeling when my dad was in the last stages of cancer wanting him to die not wanting to go though the pain of watching the man I love being eaten up by cancer.
Connor was than given an opportunity to speak the truth to his mum and he tells he he does not want her to die wants her to live and be with him.
I never told my dad this I never found the words to express myself the last time I saw him, I held his hand hardly able to look at him but at the same time wanting to stare at him, remember his face imprint it in my mind, every line wrinkle and gesture .
Instead I sat their afraid to say the wrong thing afraid to speech the truth, we sat in silence , both with a head full of words but not able to say them.
The monster in the film helped Connor face the truth so he could let his mum go .
I wonder if I had god in my life back than would I have said something to my dad the last day I saw him , trusting my fears to god maybe would have allowed me to say what needed to be said instead I was silent , my fears greater than god to big and ugly blacking out what was right in front of me , I was yet to know gods love..
God knows my truths , knows my fears my regrets and what scares me most.

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

1 Peter 5:7 NIVr

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Believing in myself

I spent this morning reading my own blog it reduced me to tears , I am amazed at the journey we have been on, I forgot how low we had been and how much pain we where both in only 6 months ago.
It’s been an incredible journey so far and I got the feeling when reading it that I am not so afraid of failing , not so afraid of being me and standing up for myself and the others that I love .
We made it to new year together and in love , love drives , love protects but love also destroys and causes pain and loss.
Back in the summer when I was in so much pain I could not understand why others could have God in their lives without having to go through all the pain that I was suffering .
It felt unfair and at times I felt angry about having to go through so much loss and pain to find gods love.
My life has changed so much , the road ahead is different to the road ahead only one year ago, it’s not the road I expected to travel along and have no idea where it will lead me.
God knows what lies ahead and what ever happens god will be with me.
My life is full of new possibilities, embracing each day and just spreading gods love following Jesus has become who I am.
About 4 months ago I wrote a list of things to inspire me make me a better person , most just personal goals.
One goal was to run a half marathon , I did it last week I was so afraid I would fail, so afraid I would hold people back, but the opposite happened I trusted god and believed in myself and just over three hours later I returned , muddy and smiling I did it.
It’s fear that stops me doing so much, fear of failing , fear of what will happen if I don’t get it right .
Fear allows doubt , fear distorts and destroys fear puts up walls and stops god allowing me to be the person god is calling me to, fear allows darkness where their should be light.

2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

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