Why I said “I do” again?

The reasons why I wanted to say “I do” again.

My dad escorted me down the aisle of our parish church, to marry the man of my dreams. Surrounded by friends and  family we said our vows to each other with love and meaning.
We were young, and very much head over heels in love. We are still very much in love. It’s a different love today; a love that has matured and developed with age. A  love that has been battered and bruised, a deep rooted love.

So why do it again?

I wanted to say the words with God in my heart . I wanted to stand at the altar and feel the words.  Not just say them – actually feel them .
God was not a part of my life when we got married .We exchanged our wedding vows, knelt for the prayers. The vows were exchanged with love, thought and meaning . The prayers  were said but only as words not with meaning.
Renewing our vows gave us the opportunity to  pray together as a couple. Holding hands, kneeling in prayer together, with a deep understanding that not only do we love each other, but God loves us too.
We made a promise before God with our friends and family 24 years ago and we affirmed that promise again and celebrated  our love for each other.

So why do it again ?

I wanted to show my love to my amazing man. Not just say “I love you” , I wanted him  to know how much  I love him. For him to understand  that I  married him for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and in sickness and in health .
These last 12 months we have been living the reality of vows we made to each other on our wedding day. We have felt poor both  financially and in life. The dark cloud of depression has shown us how  hard life can be living together during times of sickness. We have seen some of the worse days of  our lives.
I have prayed that we both had the strength to see us through the dark days. The days when depression and anger were all consuming.
The poor days have taught us how rich and beautiful the life we have together is .
It’s time to be thankful  for all that we have, learn to  accept our losses and move forward together with love.

Why I said “I do” again?

It was time to move forward with our lives; allow the wounds to heal.
We have been surrounded by love these last 12 months. Supported  by friends and family that have had little understanding as to why our lives fell apart.
They have not asked questions, just held us in love and walked us though our grief and pain.
Depression has left its scars but we are loved so much . I wanted to show my husband this amazing love and for him to see it with his own eyes.

Though prayer and love, God  has given me back the man I married.  A little older and balder but that sweet hearted funny man that I love is still there . He is shining and  I am feeling the warmth of his sunshine.
Life is not perfect. I  have been embracing each moment. Listening to the beautiful things he says and treasuring our time together as we are never sure what tomorrow will bring.

 

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Someone Else’s Fear.

Today the sun is directly overhead shinning so brightly it’s almost unbearable.
When the sun is not shining, I know it’s still there. Just as I know God loves me even when I might not be feeling it.
Gods love was not on my mind a year ago. I was so trapped, not knowing which way to turn. Those that should have been helping me where not: I was left in an impossible situation.
Twelve months today I was reading “ From fear to love by Bryan Post” a love based approach to helping parent children that have been adopted or in care.
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18
I wanted to find out more; just reading the bible passage as part of Bryan’s book that night did not seem enough.
I wanted to read it from the bible. Their was a strong need to want to try understand what was being said and why.
Reading a Bible verse more than once was something that I would not normally do. I read 1 John 4:18 over and over again that evening. Stopping to spend time researching the verse on the internet. Desperately trying to understand why love and fear cannot co exist.
Learning that some of us can be so afraid of love we push it away. I understood that if you feel Gods love you cannot be afraid . God will look after you.
Within hours I suddenly found myself home alone and very scared.
Someone else’s fear had shattered my life and those that I love where also destroyed.
God is so amazing giving me that one verse to hold onto. Curled up on the sofa: crying, rocking and shaking I was not angry only scared. I understood why it had happened.
Through my tears and uncontrollable shacking somehow I understood God was with me.

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Trust.

I wanted to blog about trusting the wrong people. Why do I keep allowing myself to trust and then be so hurt?
The betrayal, the feeling of failure, for having trusted an untrustworthy person keeps happening to me. It raises questions about my judgment; I feel so used and gullible.
The people I trust keep hurting me. They are using my good nature for their own benefits. These are professional people working in the public sector that I keep believing. Believing they will do their job in the professional manner that I would expect.

I keep on praying for a way to forgive them. Wanting the negative energy that it generates to stop; pain to ease and the hurt to be a little less. Repeatedly broken trust that just never seems to get the chance to heal.

It’s hard to forgive when deep down you are no better: I told a very special little person they could trust me. I still cannot move on from the way I unintentionally caused them pain too. The pain of this haunts me every day. It’s a constant reminder of the hurt I caused.

Do the people that hurt me feel the same as I do? I would not wish this pain on them, the constant hurt and questions that go round in my head when I have an idle moment.

I know I will keep trusting and keep getting hurt but it’s the way God made me.
Sometimes I wonder if I am putting too much trust in the wrong people; these people don’t love me. It’s not in their hearts to want to help me. But God does and that’s why I put my trust in God.

Putting my trust in God means I am not alone. God knows me: my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, and dreams. God wants me to put all my confidence in him all the time in everything I do.

I don’t need to get to God through someone else; God is in my heart. I need to learn listen to his voice, the voice inside me that I can trust, the voice that will guide me, help me make decisions, and the voice that will teach me to forgive those I trusted that hurt me.

I still cannot forgive myself for hurting such a special person. I pray that she one day will forgive me, and learn to love and trust again.
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Sharing.

My life is reflected in my garden. Everything that’s in my life is in my garden. I will try and explain this in another blog it’s deeply complicated and hard to put into words.
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This weekend I shared my garden with the public. Opening my garden gate to strangers to wonder round and take from it what they will.
The whole experience was emotionally exhausting. I deeply feel it’s selfish to keep what you have to yourself. Opening my garden is a way to share what’s inside of me.
Until recently I had no other way to express this other than through my garden. No other way to tell and share with others what I find so wonderful.
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Inspiring words from the weekend.

Beautiful
Calm
Vintage
Wilderness
Peaceful tranquil
Old fashioned
Friendly
Homely
Exciting
Natural
Full of charter
Cheerful
Nature at its best
Happy
Relaxing.

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Spending the weekend sharing my garden was such a positive experience . But my thoughts and prayers today were for those affected by last nights attacks in London.

Visitors took time to light candles and share their thoughts and prayers.

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See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence . . . We need silence to be able to touch souls. ~Mother Teresa

Pray For Teenagers In Crisis.

Highest places: pray for teenagers in crisis.
Children in care are 4 times more likely than their peers to have a mental health difficulty.

I pledge to pray for families; children in the care system and those involved in adoption.

When I first read on the “Thy Kingdom Come” website find some extreme places to pray and film yourselves doing it. I thought of all the beautiful places I could pray: high on a mountain, in a darkest cave, under water in the depth of the sea, riding my bike through the countryside.
When I read it again I realised that I can see God’s beauty and creation in all of these places.
But to others these are not places of beauty but are the extremes of their lives.
The forgotten families and children of our society, often out of sight and unnoticed.

Dear Loving Seeing God

I pray today for those teenagers that are in the care system.
Teenagers that are angry with the world for feeling it’s letting them down.
I pray that you can help us reach out to these children .
Show them love in such a way that they accept it.
Help us guide them with kindness and love.
For them to learn that rules are their to protect them.
Not to fight against those that reach out to help them.
Allow them to be loved and understand your amazing unconditional love.
In the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.

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So Much Sadness.

Another day when I don’t have the words to express deep sadness in our beautiful world.
House work is a good place to use my emotional energy.  Plan was to remove all the books from the book case; dust the books, clean the shelves, refill the bookcase.
The first shelf uncovered a little black book that had fallen through the bookcase. Reaching in between the shelves I found a beautiful old bible.

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It was totally unfamiliar to me, opening the inside cover I read the soldiers prayer printed on the inside front cover.

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The mystery of its owner was soon solved, written in the back cover in the owners hand the date 1919 and the name of my husbands Grandfather.

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World war one soldier that fought in the war to end all wars.
Reading the soldiers prayer again it gave me some of the words I could not find “think wisely, speak rightly, resolve bravely, act kindly, live purely, support us in life and comfort us in death.

My prayers tonight are for Manchester

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Running in the rain.

Day 28 – refresh – lent challenge 

Running in the rain.

Black clouds fill the sky
Cold air brushes by.
You can feel it’s going to rain
It’s going to pour
I love the rain

Darkened clouds and large rain drops
Smelling the inviting air
Stepping out into the rain
Liberating refreshing running in the rain,

Natures strength is in the rain
Pelting against my face
Puddles splashing as I run
Mouth open catching rain drops one by one .
Smiling running though the rain

Running takes away the pain
Running crying in the rain.
My tears are hidden as they roll
Tear drop puddles mixed with rain

Running is my therapy
Place to anger and to be me
Rain dilutes and waters down
Calms me and helps me understand

Colours change from dark to light
Multi colour smile shines so bright
promise of sunshine after rain
Peace after pain
Running praying in the rain.

By it’s a beautiful world .

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