I’m Drowning.

I’m drowning,.
Surfacing looking for clean love filled air – God air
Breathing in as much as my mind and heart can hold.
Suppressing the urge to breathe it out.
Holding, searching always looking for another pocket of love air.
You would have thought God would make love air so it never runs out, always plentiful and easy to find.

God air is everywhere if we breathe hard enough and want it.
It’s not for sale, infused to perfection, blended and mixed.
Personalized to the last second of time.
Air that heals, Air that says “I Know “ Air that cry’s with you. Air that holds you until the next breath.
Air that’s in abundance yet, takes time to make, craft and blend.

It’s easier to breathe the old stale air of me.
Tastes so familiar no need to hold it, put in the effort to seek and make more.
Its air that once belonged to me.
It sinks to the bottom and takes you down
Down to a place that’s dense with old me.
A place that God air is hard to find.

Breathing it in is lazy – breathing it out hurts.
It’s thick. Chokes my creative thoughts.
It drags, pulls, takes me to places I don’t want to go.
Holding my breath not tempting to breath the foul old air of me.

Standing up in the clean air of love.
Breath that fills and inspires.
The amazing thing about God air is when you breathe it in it’s for you.
When you breathe it out others feel it too.

Angry air, chocking air breathed out by others that cross my path.
Drifting swills of soupy murky dark filled air.
Blown and directed at me.
Dragging me pulling to places I don’t want to be.

It’s tearing me apart inside. It’s you I want at my side.
It’s all the love and peace you bring
I need to learn to walk away, not to feel the hurt I do today
Hurting like it never hurt before.

My prayer today is just for me
Help me listen and see what it is you what from me.
Help me stop just long enough to see your love among the pain that litters and fills my life.
Help me stand up so tall that it’s only your air that I breathe.
Please calm the angry waters give me the strength to come up for air and reach out to you.
Amen

Advertisements

Trust.

I wanted to blog about trusting the wrong people. Why do I keep allowing myself to trust and then be so hurt?
The betrayal, the feeling of failure, for having trusted an untrustworthy person keeps happening to me. It raises questions about my judgment; I feel so used and gullible.
The people I trust keep hurting me. They are using my good nature for their own benefits. These are professional people working in the public sector that I keep believing. Believing they will do their job in the professional manner that I would expect.

I keep on praying for a way to forgive them. Wanting the negative energy that it generates to stop; pain to ease and the hurt to be a little less. Repeatedly broken trust that just never seems to get the chance to heal.

It’s hard to forgive when deep down you are no better: I told a very special little person they could trust me. I still cannot move on from the way I unintentionally caused them pain too. The pain of this haunts me every day. It’s a constant reminder of the hurt I caused.

Do the people that hurt me feel the same as I do? I would not wish this pain on them, the constant hurt and questions that go round in my head when I have an idle moment.

I know I will keep trusting and keep getting hurt but it’s the way God made me.
Sometimes I wonder if I am putting too much trust in the wrong people; these people don’t love me. It’s not in their hearts to want to help me. But God does and that’s why I put my trust in God.

Putting my trust in God means I am not alone. God knows me: my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, and dreams. God wants me to put all my confidence in him all the time in everything I do.

I don’t need to get to God through someone else; God is in my heart. I need to learn listen to his voice, the voice inside me that I can trust, the voice that will guide me, help me make decisions, and the voice that will teach me to forgive those I trusted that hurt me.

I still cannot forgive myself for hurting such a special person. I pray that she one day will forgive me, and learn to love and trust again.
Proverbs-3-5-6_Bible-Verse_peacock-butterfly_corn_harvest-mouse_cornflower_wild-flowers_meadow_watercolor_nature-painting_artwork

A gift they are to afraid to unwrap.

Christmas  what does it mean to me?
Love is the first thing that comes to mind , God loves us so much he sent his son to save the word through him.
The rush to buy gifts food and make arrangements for the big day are on a massive commercial money making scale.
It’s ugly and sad, It’s not what Christmas is about and never will be.
The greatest gift we can give to one another is love .
Love is not like other gifts we give, it’s special  priceless and beautiful.
Often when you give love you get no response from from person receiving it, not a hug and thank you or even a smile .
I have given my love openly and freely to the fostered children that have been a part of our family , and it’s a gift that just keeps giving it’s so very very precious from the moment I  hold the children in my arms  to the time I  let them go it’s love that counts .
I pray that I planted enough love in their hearts that when or if they want to find gods love they will recognise it  as love and be able to start their own journey of faith.
Giving a gift that does not want to be given is not easy .
A gift  that gets pushed back and rejected  , a gift they are to afraid to unwrap as they are scared of what they might feel when they open it.
It’s a gift they have been given many times before only to have it taken away again and again .
Refusing the gift is the way they cope. But that’s not a reason not to give it.

Loving  damaged children hurts but all children need love , when I gave my love to these wonderful special children  my  faith grew and I was never alone as I had gods love every step of my journey and their is no greater love than the love of god.

So this Christmas please  pray for those adults and children that are not loved and are to scared to love, and fear love so much  they reject it and hurt and push those away that reach out to help them.

Loving god
Every child needs to be loved
Every child needs and a  future .
Help those that find love so scary they push it away
Allow them to let your love into their hearts .
Thousands of children around the world go to bed cold  hungry and scared every night.
When they awake in the morning nothing has changed for them, please show them love and kindness offer them hope and a future full of love and hope.
Amen

Corinthians 13:13

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

christmas-love-1

A Little Sunshine, In My Darkness.

My battle to stay strong has almost reached my limit: Feeling so tired, drained, week and unmotivated .
My marriage is full of fear with love fighting so hard stay in our lives, worried and scared we will not recover.
Reading the Psalms has brought me so much comfort . I read Psalm 62 for the first time today. Struck by the amazing power of the words and how loudly they spoke to me. Repeatedly listening and reading it has helped me, given me strength when all I can see is dead ends .
I am exhausted, my soul finds rest in God. He is my rock and my salvation. I trust and love God in a way I never thought was possible.
God hears my every prayer, the storm that’s in our lives has not gone away. It’s just died down for a while, it’s due back in January.
I pray when it comes back we will be prepared for it. When it return’s may the winds be softer, may we see blue skies among the dark clouds, even a little sunshine in the darkness to guide us .

I love Because Its The Only Way Forward.

My head is clear and the need to cry has almost gone. I can concentrate on work pray without sleeping and feel truly blessed to be alive and live in this beautiful word and follow Jesus.
I feel so calm and ready to move forward, amazed at the changes in myself and they are all positive.
Grief is a roller coaster and I might just be on a up, I do feel it’s more than just a up before the down.
But I only have to look a few feet away and the changes in my husband are not so positive and the depression and situation is taking its negative toll.
He is so angry inside and full of negative thoughts. He wants to blame an individual the hate he feels is so strong.
He can seem positive and at times over excitable and irrational. But he is on a roller coaster of emotions often saying hurtful things without knowing it or caring. The nightmares the panic he experiences are so powerful at times he wants to end his life as the pain is just to much to cope with.
He can’t understand why I won’t be angry. His mind is controlled by his depression which leaves little room for faith and love .
Having Gods beautiful unconditional love is the reason I function and will continue to love and pray and not be destroyed by past events.
I feel so under skilled to help my lovely man. I will of course love him and pray for him but feel so helpless and have so little understanding helping someone with mental health issues .

Romans 5:4 – perseverance, character; and character, hope.

romans5_3-4

Building Walls to Protect Myself.

I have been slowly building a little wall around my heart. Protecting my myself from grief and more pain, the wall has just been breached and it hurts like crazy .
The pain is once again in my chest and heart. It hurts because I got caught out by something so simple and unexpected .
I got complaisant, I thought my walls where high enough to let some love in but not enough to get hurt again.
I had stopped building and planning where to build the next wall. No longer looking for slips and trips life was ok.
I feel foolish for allowing this to happen and not sure how to pick myself up of the floor and rebuild my walls.
Deep down I know building walls is not the answer if tears are what is needed than they should flow and I need to be true to myself. I cannot be open to love or God behind a wall however small it might be, my heart needs love to heal.
I need to stay focused to be able to allow Jesus to walk along side me and guide me on the path he has chosen for me .
I can’t do that behind Wall!

Sleep Protects Me.

It’s been a tough week, praying has just been something I do as part of my daily routine. I have been praying in the evening just before bed and end up falling asleep sat on the floor. Every night I fall asleep in the arms of my father wrapped and protected in his love. I have no words or thoughts left but sleep.
Trying to pray for the person I grieve for is to painful. Sleep protects me from that pain but it has left me feeling unconnected to God. Strangely I feel more connected with the world around me.
I seem more positive and productive almost coping. I still need to be able to get a balance, be able to Pray reflect and see the beauty that surrounds me.
Last night I ran and ran prayed came home feeling connected and relieved. This morning I woke full of pain and tears. It seems every time I allow myself to connect and pray emotionally I fall apart .
Today I feel so very loved by God. Not alone and ready to face the worries that are ahead of me, living constantly on the verge of tears. I want to be with my thoughts and prayers, I can’t focus on work my mind just wonders to prayer .
Can’t seem to get a balance where I can function and pray.
Maybe I am being impatient, just not ready yet to deal with reality of life.
Today I sat under the yew tree in our local church yard. Praying outside in the sunshine with my lovely dog just snuggled up to me.

James 1:3-4New Living Translation (NLT)
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

James 1:3-4New Living Translation (NLT)
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
image