Sleep Protects Me.

It’s been a tough week, praying has just been something I do as part of my daily routine. I have been praying in the evening just before bed and end up falling asleep sat on the floor. Every night I fall asleep in the arms of my father wrapped and protected in his love. I have no words or thoughts left but sleep.
Trying to pray for the person I grieve for is to painful. Sleep protects me from that pain but it has left me feeling unconnected to God. Strangely I feel more connected with the world around me.
I seem more positive and productive almost coping. I still need to be able to get a balance, be able to Pray reflect and see the beauty that surrounds me.
Last night I ran and ran prayed came home feeling connected and relieved. This morning I woke full of pain and tears. It seems every time I allow myself to connect and pray emotionally I fall apart .
Today I feel so very loved by God. Not alone and ready to face the worries that are ahead of me, living constantly on the verge of tears. I want to be with my thoughts and prayers, I can’t focus on work my mind just wonders to prayer .
Can’t seem to get a balance where I can function and pray.
Maybe I am being impatient, just not ready yet to deal with reality of life.
Today I sat under the yew tree in our local church yard. Praying outside in the sunshine with my lovely dog just snuggled up to me.

James 1:3-4New Living Translation (NLT)
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

James 1:3-4New Living Translation (NLT)
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.


Grief Is The Price We Pay For Love.

,It just does not seem right to shop for things I just want but do not need. I still feel detached from the outside world. Shopping for non-essential items feels uncomfortable almost like stepping out of my grief.
When my Dad died I used to go shopping to try and cheer myself up. I remember buying a very expensive throw that I did not need or want. I ran up bills on my credit card just trying to make myself happy.
That was over 10 years ago, today I am a completely different person. I don’t need or want for anything. I have food on my table and a roof over my head and I am loved.
My dad has been on my mind lot this week. Some of the tears today are for my Dad. When he died I remained strong and in control for the rest of my family, but looking back I wish I cried more and took time grieve.
I never had God to talk to back then .
This new grief has opened a lot of old wounds. Opened boxes that have remained closed for many years. I spend time talking to God about what’s inside the boxes and look for ways to grieve for my dad. I pray that I can open his box and look inside it without fearing what I will find.
The memories in dads box bring both happiness and sadness. They are
memories that were made with love.
I don’t want to close the lid on dads box but it would be good to put it away with the lid closed but not tapped up.

Joshua 1:9,  Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” (NIV)


The Reason I hurt So Much Is Because I Loved So Much.

Pain is making me a stronger person. It’s pushing and squeezing me into a different person, that’s where the pain is coming from the squeezing and pushing and remoulding.
Walking home this evening the tears would not stop, I looked upwards at the beautiful clear sky and felt as if Jesus was walking with me.
I still feel so sad and empty. I need to refilled with something different. The refilling process is still too painful to happen but when it does I will be ready to do what I am being called for.
I just want time just to pray and not have to do or think about anything else.

I want to stop.
I want to reflect.
I want to be alone.
I want to cry.
I want to understand.
I want to sleep.
I want to love.
I want to be selfish and do things for me.
But instead I have to cook, nurse, work, care, love, and find time to pray.
I said a few blogs back I would not be angry but today I am angry that I can’t have time to be myself.
Angry that I have been denied so many beautiful things and just left with the wreckage of something that was once so beautiful.
Angry that I never got to finish what I started.
Angry at the broken promises I made.
Angry with myself for hurting so much.
Angry with myself because if I trusted and loved God 100% then I would not be scared and fearful.
Angry with myself for being Angry.
I just want to stop hurting – I just want the pain to go away – I just want to feel ME.

“My God turns my darkness into light.” – Psalms 18:28


A Time To Feel Pain.

Today is the first time the pain actually hurts. The emotional pain has turned into real physical pain and hurts in my heart.
I have had almost 2 weeks with hardly any tears and felt guilty for almost behaving and acting normally.
Yesterday the tears came back and today the pain. Other than crying and thinking a lot since my life changed today is the first day it seems real. We are not going to wake from this nightmare and be the people we were before.
Only trusting God do I believe their is a way out, without faith I would only see dead ends and more dead ends.
This morning during my prayer time I talked to God about the times when was pregnant and the pregnancies that ended before their time and how much that hurt. I never got to hold my babies, name them or even bury them.
Today I cried again for my babies that I so longed for but this time I cried and prayed. It’s the first time I prayed for them and spent time with God thinking of my little ones.
It never crossed my mind I would not be able to conceive again after the birth of my daughter I took being a mum for granted.
Had I conceived again and again and carried full term I would have taken the most precious gift of life for granted and in turn taken a lot of other things for granted also in the process.
I had my one child whose time was to be born and I had 5 whose time was to die and I grieve for them. Today for the first time I accept and understand so maybe that’s why today the pain is so bad.
Today it hurts because for the first time in almost 20 years I understand WHY.

Ecclesiastes 3
There is a time for everything.
A season for every activity under the heavens:
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to uproot.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build.
A time to weep and a time to laugh.
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them.
A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.


Betrayal Destroys The Foundation Of Trust.

In the last 5 years I formed good friendships and working relationships with a small team of people. One member of this team was allocated to support our family.
They became a friend, they were also a very spiritual person and someone that I could talk to about my new faith. They understood and helped me realise that God was with me. I looked forward to our weekly chats and tea and cake together.
The day my world feel apart they were required to withdraw from supporting us. A new person was appointed . This new person meets us for the first time when we are in the deepest of grief and had no relationship with us and is left to pick up where the other person left.
I feel so angry and betrayed that we trusted this person, only for them to have to walk away from us.
One thing I believe in is treating people as people. I just cannot understand why someone with such a strong belief could do a job that requires them to walk away from people in grief.
I am sure in time I will understand. When the worlds against you and people you regard as a friend turn their back on you it hurts.
I need to overcome the bitterness of this and understand it’s their job and not personal. I need to find the strength and courage to forgive them. To forgive would be trading in my bitterness and anger for the love of God this I need to do. I will pray for the way to do this

Ephesians 4:32
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Love must give freedom. And love must forgive