I’m Drowning.

I’m drowning,.
Surfacing looking for clean love filled air – God air
Breathing in as much as my mind and heart can hold.
Suppressing the urge to breathe it out.
Holding, searching always looking for another pocket of love air.
You would have thought God would make love air so it never runs out, always plentiful and easy to find.

God air is everywhere if we breathe hard enough and want it.
It’s not for sale, infused to perfection, blended and mixed.
Personalized to the last second of time.
Air that heals, Air that says “I Know “ Air that cry’s with you. Air that holds you until the next breath.
Air that’s in abundance yet, takes time to make, craft and blend.

It’s easier to breathe the old stale air of me.
Tastes so familiar no need to hold it, put in the effort to seek and make more.
Its air that once belonged to me.
It sinks to the bottom and takes you down
Down to a place that’s dense with old me.
A place that God air is hard to find.

Breathing it in is lazy – breathing it out hurts.
It’s thick. Chokes my creative thoughts.
It drags, pulls, takes me to places I don’t want to go.
Holding my breath not tempting to breath the foul old air of me.

Standing up in the clean air of love.
Breath that fills and inspires.
The amazing thing about God air is when you breathe it in it’s for you.
When you breathe it out others feel it too.

Angry air, chocking air breathed out by others that cross my path.
Drifting swills of soupy murky dark filled air.
Blown and directed at me.
Dragging me pulling to places I don’t want to be.

It’s tearing me apart inside. It’s you I want at my side.
It’s all the love and peace you bring
I need to learn to walk away, not to feel the hurt I do today
Hurting like it never hurt before.

My prayer today is just for me
Help me listen and see what it is you what from me.
Help me stop just long enough to see your love among the pain that litters and fills my life.
Help me stand up so tall that it’s only your air that I breathe.
Please calm the angry waters give me the strength to come up for air and reach out to you.
Amen

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Trust.

I wanted to blog about trusting the wrong people. Why do I keep allowing myself to trust and then be so hurt?
The betrayal, the feeling of failure, for having trusted an untrustworthy person keeps happening to me. It raises questions about my judgment; I feel so used and gullible.
The people I trust keep hurting me. They are using my good nature for their own benefits. These are professional people working in the public sector that I keep believing. Believing they will do their job in the professional manner that I would expect.

I keep on praying for a way to forgive them. Wanting the negative energy that it generates to stop; pain to ease and the hurt to be a little less. Repeatedly broken trust that just never seems to get the chance to heal.

It’s hard to forgive when deep down you are no better: I told a very special little person they could trust me. I still cannot move on from the way I unintentionally caused them pain too. The pain of this haunts me every day. It’s a constant reminder of the hurt I caused.

Do the people that hurt me feel the same as I do? I would not wish this pain on them, the constant hurt and questions that go round in my head when I have an idle moment.

I know I will keep trusting and keep getting hurt but it’s the way God made me.
Sometimes I wonder if I am putting too much trust in the wrong people; these people don’t love me. It’s not in their hearts to want to help me. But God does and that’s why I put my trust in God.

Putting my trust in God means I am not alone. God knows me: my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, and dreams. God wants me to put all my confidence in him all the time in everything I do.

I don’t need to get to God through someone else; God is in my heart. I need to learn listen to his voice, the voice inside me that I can trust, the voice that will guide me, help me make decisions, and the voice that will teach me to forgive those I trusted that hurt me.

I still cannot forgive myself for hurting such a special person. I pray that she one day will forgive me, and learn to love and trust again.
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So Much Sadness.

Another day when I don’t have the words to express deep sadness in our beautiful world.
House work is a good place to use my emotional energy.  Plan was to remove all the books from the book case; dust the books, clean the shelves, refill the bookcase.
The first shelf uncovered a little black book that had fallen through the bookcase. Reaching in between the shelves I found a beautiful old bible.

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It was totally unfamiliar to me, opening the inside cover I read the soldiers prayer printed on the inside front cover.

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The mystery of its owner was soon solved, written in the back cover in the owners hand the date 1919 and the name of my husbands Grandfather.

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World war one soldier that fought in the war to end all wars.
Reading the soldiers prayer again it gave me some of the words I could not find “think wisely, speak rightly, resolve bravely, act kindly, live purely, support us in life and comfort us in death.

My prayers tonight are for Manchester

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Deliver.

Day Thirty Eight – Deliver -Lent Challenge.

I loved my job as a post lady, spending time outside delivering letters and parcels to the same group of houses for over two year. During that time I got to know all my houses and all my people. I knew the names of their children, the schools they went to, where they went on holiday, when they were on holiday, those that had speeding tickets, birthdays, anniversaries. I delivered cards congratulating on a new baby. I delivered sympathy cards, love letters, passports and premium bond wins .

Each person known by their front door and by name, I very rarely saw the person behind the door.
That’s not unlike my non existent relationship with God that I used to have ( before 2014 ). I had no idea he knew everything about me. I just bumbled along my life totally unaware that God was with me. I used to question and wonder how there could even possibly be a God in a world of so much pain.
I just could not see it myself, but he was waiting for that day I opened my heart to him. I still find this totally amazing.

I used to find it very strange that God knows me so well, even a little uneasy about it all .
God knew that I did not believe in him, knew that I could not understand why others believed.
He knows my thoughts and understands my pain. When I behave in a way that I should not he is still there. I now find it a comfort, a reassurance that what ever happens in my life I will never again be alone, never be in a dark place with no way out.

Psalm 147:3-5Good News Translation

He heals the broken-hearted
and bandages their wounds.

He has decided the number of the stars
and calls each one by name.

Great and mighty is our Lord;
his wisdom cannot be measured.

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Joy comes in the morning .

Day 27 – Endure _ Lent Challenge

Mother’s Day 2014 – Celebrated with a very special little person knowing preparations were underway for adoption in the following weeks , with goodbyes only a few weeks away we spent our last Mother’s Day holding onto each so tightly hardly daring to let go it was a Perfect day to be treasured .

Mothers days 2016 – left church before we even sang the first hymn, I carried home a scared and confused little person in tears  aged only 4 years old.
The reality of Mother’s Day with out their mum was just to much .
They snuggled into my shoulder and asked me why “mummy’s day was so hard” I had no words only love to give, even love was not enough but it helped.

Mother’s Day 2017 – woke up with empty arms , But a heart full of love and happiness knowing two very special little children far away where getting up excited to give cards and gifts to two very special mums that them just as much as I do.

Psalm 30.5
Weeping may endure for a night , but joy comes in the morning .

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Blazing inferno of pain

Day Nine – lent challenge – refine 

Finding my faith was a cry for help, a feeling I was not alone , the realisation that their is a god , and he listened when I prayed and came to me , he held me even though I was unsure what being held by god felt like, it was a giant jump from not much faith to being both blown away and slightly scared , but what next ?
I survived what I thought was the one of the worst times in my life , started going to church but I did need something to light the fire under my newly forming faith.
I did not expect an hot blazing inferno of pain to be sent my way, taking away so much that a valued and loved , I had a choice I could have turned away , I responded by prayer and finding a need inside me to want to read my bible to to deepen and develop my faith.
I started this blog !
I have become stronger and just such a different person.
God started the process of purifying my faith sending me though the fire , allowing me to grow in faith , strength and learn. I am not the person I was when I entered the fire and for that I am truly grateful.
“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold.” (1 Peter 1:7a NLT)

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A letter does not show my tears

I can’t change the past and in many ways I don’t want to as the pain has changed me and only pain would and could have done that.
But I do need to move on, it’s not a easy process letting go to break the cycle of anger and frustration , needing to be free of the pain the resentment and bitterness that eats away inside me, I have become a slave to my emotions and sticking to my principles was to a high a price to pay , I can’t afford anymore more pain , it’s all to hurtful and the pain has grown into a monster of it’s own bigger and greater than love.
I wanted my see and face the people that caused the pain, I wanted to tell them how much it hurt.
I wrote a letter instead , a letter does not show my tears, does not let them see my pain.
It’s not for me to cause more suffering and upset ,that’s not who I am and not someone I want to become .
Trusting in our loving god and praying will help me to move on draw a line under what has happened in the past and strive forward to the future .
I can’t forget what happened but I can learn to forgive , Move from bitterness into love ,allow peace to heal my wounded heart and break this cycle ,leaning to forgive is a long process no quick fix , but posting that letter was one massive step forward , I felt gods presence as a signed the letter my eyes quickly filled with tears of relief knowing god is with me and the journey of healing and forgiveness can move forward.

1 Peter 1:6 Good News Translation (GNT)
Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer.

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