For a while have I been trying to blog about the day I sat with my beautiful friend who was terminally ill with cancer.
I just could not find the words, so wrote this poem. It’s about the day we spent together waiting for two callers.
First was the vet coming to put my friend’s dog to sleep. A faithful old dog that was entering the end of her life. Cancer was eating her up at an alarming rate and she was suffering.
We made the decision that I could not look after two old ladies with cancer so Lucy was put to sleep with love and dignity. She died in our arms with the people she loved.
Hours later the ambulance came to take my friend to a hospice. A wonderful place full of compassionate staff. My friend slowly died over the next 6 weeks.
There are no words to express how we both felt that day only silence between two friends.
The space between two words
Silence whirls and settles on the sofa.
Exhausted words filling every space.
Heartbroken words too afraid to form.
Locked up words that want to stamp and rage.
Unspoken painful truthful words.
Will it ever be the right time?
To say what’s on my mind.
Silence is the only word that remains.
Love and silence fills every space.
Salt-laced words that drip and run.
Words that can only be shed.
Splashing overflowing emotions that puddle and soothe.
Trying to tell each other that we both understand.
Wanting to shout out “Why?”.
Wanting to say, “Please don’t die.”
Memories marching though our minds:
Evenings on the sofa, tea and chatter
Like nothing mattered.
Mutual thinking, simultaneous laughter.
Parallel thoughts unite our pain.
Overflowing , overpowering unwanted grief.
Mourning, journeying, our eyes meet.
Eyes that tell our stories.
Eyes that do not lie.
Sandpaper exhausted eyes from late nights, early mornings.
Nursing my dying friend.
Her eyes old and fading.
Tired and cloudy near the end.
Observing eyes leaking painful tears.
Avoiding each other as it hurts to see
Just how much pain is inside you and me.
Imagine your true colours.
Colours of your thoughts.
Colours of your dreams.
Words of colours.
I am not a solid Green or Environmentally Green, not even politely Green.
Dappled shades of Green.
Green that diffuses with warm sunlight
Electric Greens that dazzle so bright.
Greens so white they could be snow
Splashes,dashes blobs and spots of Green.
Green is good it’s safe and warm.
Feeding and nourishing protecting from the storms.
Searching, holding, pushing, seeking light.
Sown and threaded though my soul.
Crafted grafted uniquely Green.
I won’t be Green forever it changes as I grow.
The goodness from the greenery is taking me where I need to go.
Greens tipped with Yellows, Green splashed with Pink.
Mixed so slowly they are at first they are just hints.
Colours slowly settle and drift into my haze.
Swirling mixing drifting down, finding a place to stay.
My colours are my smiles.
The prayers I say each day.
My colours are not mine to keep.
I need to learn to give them away.
I pray that this can happen.
And that I will not stay just Green.
Green is safe it’s quiet and calm.
Rainbow enriched colours splashing light.
Giving me a rich vibrant new life.
That Pink flower is beautiful.
I can see it’s beauty, smell its beauty.
I don’t need to name its beauty.
I don’t need to be able to read to see it’s a Pink beautiful flower.
Writing its name does not make it beautiful.
It stands alone.
It’s Pink and beautiful.
Naming it takes me away from its beauty.
Sets out a list of standards that it should conform to.
Height, colour, scent.
If it does not conform we are disappointed reject it.
But it’s still a beautiful Pink flower .
No name, no label nothing to conform to.
No one to disappoint.
It’s just enjoyed for being a Pink flower.
Created to grow, from a tiny seed to a Pink flower .
Created not for us to enjoy.
But to survive, flower and grow to its full potential.
Just look see and enjoy.
It’s no more difficult than that.
See it smell it, remember it.
Learn its name if you must,
Rose ,carnation or pink daffodil it does not matter.
What does matter is you love it, care for it.
Remember the one that created it.
By It’s a Beautiful World.
Day Thirty One – Longing – Lent challenge
Could I share my ghosts with you?
Allow you to see my pain
I long for the ghosts to go away.
They always come back again.
They are buried in the garden.
Reminders here and there.
Of all the times we had together.
That are no longer there.
I find them when I am weeding.
Unearth them now and then.
They catch me out just buried there.
Time and time again.
Cars that once went broom broom.
Dolls that played a game.
Just left there in the mud
Never to be played with again.
I long to hear their voices
Hold their little hands.
See their smiling faces.
Playing in the sand.
Children that we foster.
Leave ghosts for us to find.
To remind us of their journey.
And remind us of our time.
We loved these people.
They taught us so much about life.
Love that freely given.
Love that heals the pain.
But when that bond is broken it hurts to love again.
Loving again is painful,
But that is what we do.
Gluing back the broken bits.
With love from me to you.
It’s time for us to walk away.
Let you lead your life.
Adoption is the miracle.
That has given you a new life.
1 Samuel 1:27 ( MSG) I prayed for this child, and God gave me what I asked for
Day 28 – refresh – lent challenge
Running in the rain.
Black clouds fill the sky
Cold air brushes by.
You can feel it’s going to rain
It’s going to pour
I love the rain
Darkened clouds and large rain drops
Smelling the inviting air
Stepping out into the rain
Liberating refreshing running in the rain,
Natures strength is in the rain
Pelting against my face
Puddles splashing as I run
Mouth open catching rain drops one by one .
Smiling running though the rain
Running takes away the pain
Running crying in the rain.
My tears are hidden as they roll
Tear drop puddles mixed with rain
Running is my therapy
Place to anger and to be me
Rain dilutes and waters down
Calms me and helps me understand
Colours change from dark to light
Multi colour smile shines so bright
promise of sunshine after rain
Peace after pain
Running praying in the rain.
By it’s a beautiful world .
Day Twelve – lent challenge- Hope
For 21 years, I struggled to conceive . I counted days, took vitamins, fertility chats , blood tests
God has used the agony of infertility to grow and shape my faith I am grateful for my infertility. It is a blessing that took me on a journey of fostering and faith .
If you are struggling with infertility, God holds you close to His heart. I pray that wherever you are on this journey, that God will give you wisdom and peace
When a negative becomes both positive and negative .
We both agreed to start a family
10 months latter baby – easy
21 years pass no baby number two.
Ovulation, pregnancy dominated my every thought .
Positive tests have negative outcomes
Negative tests have negative outcomes .
Positive means pregnant – pain and loss
Negative means not pregnant – pain and loss
Miscarriage’s , ectopic pregnancy’s
Life of folic acid, healthy eating, doctors fertility clinics
Pregnancies that threaten my life.
Emergency surgery – grief , hurt , anger .
Heart full of love for each unborn child.
Children that never grew up,
Children that never cried.
Beautiful loved babies ,
Blessed that I have learned to except
Able to grieve and cry
Never ever giving up hope .
“even tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil – for you are with me – your rod and staff comfort me” psalm 23
Day Eight – lent challenge – forgive
Over lent I will be praying for those that have have hurt us and finding it somewhere in my heart to forgive them.
Forgiveness starts with a tiny seed.
True forgiveness is not just words
It Starts with little thoughts
That become bigger thoughts
Thoughts become that painful words
Words that won’t form without being full of anger
Words that bound us to our pain
Repeating words, over and over
Slowly they don’t hurt
You can say them .
Stepping stones of emotions , stepping stones of pain
Words no longer form in you mouth but in your heart
They move from anger and pain to peace .
Colossians 3:13 says, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”