I’m Drowning.

I’m drowning,.
Surfacing looking for clean love filled air – God air
Breathing in as much as my mind and heart can hold.
Suppressing the urge to breathe it out.
Holding, searching always looking for another pocket of love air.
You would have thought God would make love air so it never runs out, always plentiful and easy to find.

God air is everywhere if we breathe hard enough and want it.
It’s not for sale, infused to perfection, blended and mixed.
Personalized to the last second of time.
Air that heals, Air that says “I Know “ Air that cry’s with you. Air that holds you until the next breath.
Air that’s in abundance yet, takes time to make, craft and blend.

It’s easier to breathe the old stale air of me.
Tastes so familiar no need to hold it, put in the effort to seek and make more.
Its air that once belonged to me.
It sinks to the bottom and takes you down
Down to a place that’s dense with old me.
A place that God air is hard to find.

Breathing it in is lazy – breathing it out hurts.
It’s thick. Chokes my creative thoughts.
It drags, pulls, takes me to places I don’t want to go.
Holding my breath not tempting to breath the foul old air of me.

Standing up in the clean air of love.
Breath that fills and inspires.
The amazing thing about God air is when you breathe it in it’s for you.
When you breathe it out others feel it too.

Angry air, chocking air breathed out by others that cross my path.
Drifting swills of soupy murky dark filled air.
Blown and directed at me.
Dragging me pulling to places I don’t want to be.

It’s tearing me apart inside. It’s you I want at my side.
It’s all the love and peace you bring
I need to learn to walk away, not to feel the hurt I do today
Hurting like it never hurt before.

My prayer today is just for me
Help me listen and see what it is you what from me.
Help me stop just long enough to see your love among the pain that litters and fills my life.
Help me stand up so tall that it’s only your air that I breathe.
Please calm the angry waters give me the strength to come up for air and reach out to you.
Amen

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The Space Between Two Words.

For a while have I been trying to blog about the day I sat with my beautiful friend who was terminally ill with cancer.
I just could not find the words, so wrote this poem. It’s about the day we spent  together waiting for two callers.
First was the vet coming  to put my friend’s dog to sleep. A faithful old dog that was entering the end of her life. Cancer was eating her up at an alarming rate and she was suffering.
We made the decision that I could not look after two old ladies with cancer so Lucy was put to sleep with love and dignity. She died in our arms with the people she loved.
Hours later the ambulance came to take my friend to a hospice. A wonderful place full of compassionate staff. My friend slowly died over the next 6 weeks.
There are no words  to express how we both felt that day only silence between two friends.

The space between two words

Silence whirls and settles on the sofa.
Exhausted words filling every space.
Heartbroken words too afraid to form.
Locked up words that want to stamp and rage.
Unspoken painful truthful words.
Will it ever be the right time?
To say what’s on my mind.
Silence is the only word that remains.

Love and silence fills every space.
Salt-laced words that drip and run.
Words that can only be shed.
Splashing  overflowing  emotions that puddle and soothe.
Trying to tell each other that we both understand.
Wanting to shout out “Why?”.
Wanting to say, “Please don’t die.”

Memories marching though our minds:
Evenings on the sofa, tea and chatter
Like nothing mattered.
Mutual thinking, simultaneous laughter.
Parallel thoughts unite our pain.
Overflowing , overpowering unwanted grief.
Mourning, journeying, our eyes meet.

Eyes that tell our stories.
Eyes that do not lie.
Sandpaper exhausted eyes from late nights, early mornings.
Nursing my dying friend.
Her eyes old  and fading.
Tired  and cloudy near the end.
Observing eyes leaking painful tears.
Avoiding each other as it hurts to see
Just how much pain is inside you and me.

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Colours Are My Smiles

Imagine your true colours.
Colours of your thoughts.
Colours of your dreams.
Words of colours.
I’m Green.

I am not a solid Green or Environmentally Green, not even politely Green.
Dappled shades of Green.
Green that diffuses with warm sunlight
Electric Greens that dazzle so bright.
Greens so white they could be snow
Splashes,dashes blobs and spots of Green.

Green is good it’s safe and warm.
Feeding and nourishing protecting from the storms.
Searching, holding, pushing, seeking light.
Sown and threaded though my soul.
Crafted grafted uniquely Green.

I won’t be Green forever it changes as I grow.
The goodness from the greenery is taking me where I need to go.
Greens tipped with Yellows, Green splashed with Pink.
Mixed so slowly they are at first they are just hints.
Colours slowly settle and drift into my haze.
Swirling mixing drifting down, finding a place to stay.

My colours are my smiles.
The prayers I say each day.
My colours are not mine to keep.
I need to learn to give them away.

I pray that this can happen.
And that I will not stay just Green.
Green is safe it’s quiet and calm.
Rainbow enriched colours splashing light.
Giving me a rich vibrant new life.
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Tears That I Am Truly Thankful For.

Tears that just form and roll.
Running quietly without noise or fuss.
Tears that remind me of who I am.
Tears of thanks and gratitude.
Tears just seem to say I love you.
Tears that connect in an almost impossible deep way.
Spiritual tears, tears that strengthen .
Tears that say the impossible is possible just trust me.
Tears that flow from my heart .
Tears that stop me clear my mind.
Tears that allow me to listen .
Not tears of sadness, not tears of joy, just tears.
Tears that I am truly thankful for.

Psalm 126:5
5 They that sow in tears shall reap in joy

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Dead Ends.

How can I work today? When the world is so messed up. Trying to promote my businesses via social media seems inappropriate, watching the news is to painful .Trying to even start to imagine the grief of the families affected is beyond words and to painful to think about. My own personal problems seem trivial and insignificant in light of what happened in France last night.
It does not feel like a beautiful world today, its full of dark dead ends with no way out or round them.

I spent last night learning about the resurrection. I sort of saw it as a lot dead ends, but there was also light and hope for a future . We read beautiful poems. Made white paper flowers and placed them in a coffin, listened to stories and music .
The one strong message that I took away was the need to trust God over my experiences. My own life is a series of deaths and resurrections. These experiences  just make me stronger, and grow my faith.
It was a moving and emotional evening and once again my tears flowed. Spending time outside in the woodland garden, trying to reflect and understand what was happening to me and my own personal journey with Jesus.
I still believe in a future where we can all love and care for one another, treat each other with love and respect. Were people will understand and feel Gods love and want to live by good values and allow God into their hearts and minds.
Its living this way  that has caused my beautiful world to collapse around me. But I would not change the things I have done as I believe in them and believe that each and everyone one of us should be loved and treated as we would like to be treated ourselves.

 

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