God Tears.

God has been very much with me these last few days. I have been forced to slow up, giving more time for Prayer; for myself and others. Praying for myself is something I I find difficult; I pray for those I love, friends family, communities, those that live far away. It always seems selfish to ask for things for myself; I have food, a lovely home, I am loved. To ask for anything outside of this just does not feel right. This weekend I focused more on myself praying for help and guidance.

Trying to understand just because I don’t believe in myself God does. Images thoughts and dreams that come from God are so big and so real. Theirs no escaping them every time I pray the same things come to me.

They defiantly come from God because I don’t believe in myself enough to make these things happen. But I do believe God thinks I am capable; these things are strangely possibly achievable. I am overwhelmed by the thought of my future but excited at the same time.

The prayers have brought the tears that shape and change me. In church this morning tears were trying to escape at every opportunity. Tears that that needed to flow and happen . Some of the tears were full of Gods love, some sadness, but most of the tears this weekend were fear, afraid of what I might lose or never even get the opportunity to gain.

Sunday church service this morning caused a lot of tears . Being asked to think and pray about “ what does it take for me to follow Jesus” . The more I thought about this this the more the tears tried to leak out everywhere a few escaping .
Following Jesus produces tears, not sad tears; but God tears .
Gods love is bigger than pain, it does not stop the pain from hurting but protects me from the pain in only the way God can.
Following Jesus has changed my life in a way that cannot be reversed. It’s not as simple as starting to attend church it’s a complete inside person change. It’s following Jesus that has caused my pain and is continuing to cause me pain.
It’s standing up for what’s right treating another human with love compassion and grace. Staying with them and not turning my back on them when life goes the wrong direction.
Fighting for justice , not allowing something that is wrong to happen just because it’s easier not to fight.
Life would be so much easier if I was not following Jesus. I could think only for myself , not look beyond the four walls of my home and live a blissfully inward life. I would think I was happy convincing myself that retail therapy wants and needs would give me fulfilment.
But that’s not happiness; even when emotionally I am exhausted, I still smile it’s that beautiful inner happiness ; The joy of having Jesus in my life .
To follow Jesus for me is pushing forward to do Gods work alongside the people in our communities fighting and working with the unseen and forgotten families. By doing these things, I may hear Gods call to live a life that will let me love as only I can, and allow me to serve others with the special gifts I have been given.

Transformed

Advertisements

Why I said “I do” again?

The reasons why I wanted to say “I do” again.

My dad escorted me down the aisle of our parish church, to marry the man of my dreams. Surrounded by friends and  family we said our vows to each other with love and meaning.
We were young, and very much head over heels in love. We are still very much in love. It’s a different love today; a love that has matured and developed with age. A  love that has been battered and bruised, a deep rooted love.

So why do it again?

I wanted to say the words with God in my heart . I wanted to stand at the altar and feel the words.  Not just say them – actually feel them .
God was not a part of my life when we got married .We exchanged our wedding vows, knelt for the prayers. The vows were exchanged with love, thought and meaning . The prayers  were said but only as words not with meaning.
Renewing our vows gave us the opportunity to  pray together as a couple. Holding hands, kneeling in prayer together, with a deep understanding that not only do we love each other, but God loves us too.
We made a promise before God with our friends and family 24 years ago and we affirmed that promise again and celebrated  our love for each other.

So why do it again ?

I wanted to show my love to my amazing man. Not just say “I love you” , I wanted him  to know how much  I love him. For him to understand  that I  married him for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and in sickness and in health .
These last 12 months we have been living the reality of vows we made to each other on our wedding day. We have felt poor both  financially and in life. The dark cloud of depression has shown us how  hard life can be living together during times of sickness. We have seen some of the worse days of  our lives.
I have prayed that we both had the strength to see us through the dark days. The days when depression and anger were all consuming.
The poor days have taught us how rich and beautiful the life we have together is .
It’s time to be thankful  for all that we have, learn to  accept our losses and move forward together with love.

Why I said “I do” again?

It was time to move forward with our lives; allow the wounds to heal.
We have been surrounded by love these last 12 months. Supported  by friends and family that have had little understanding as to why our lives fell apart.
They have not asked questions, just held us in love and walked us though our grief and pain.
Depression has left its scars but we are loved so much . I wanted to show my husband this amazing love and for him to see it with his own eyes.

Though prayer and love, God  has given me back the man I married.  A little older and balder but that sweet hearted funny man that I love is still there . He is shining and  I am feeling the warmth of his sunshine.
Life is not perfect. I  have been embracing each moment. Listening to the beautiful things he says and treasuring our time together as we are never sure what tomorrow will bring.

 

IMG_6561

Sharing.

My life is reflected in my garden. Everything that’s in my life is in my garden. I will try and explain this in another blog it’s deeply complicated and hard to put into words.
IMG_2523
This weekend I shared my garden with the public. Opening my garden gate to strangers to wonder round and take from it what they will.
The whole experience was emotionally exhausting. I deeply feel it’s selfish to keep what you have to yourself. Opening my garden is a way to share what’s inside of me.
Until recently I had no other way to express this other than through my garden. No other way to tell and share with others what I find so wonderful.
IMG_0387

Inspiring words from the weekend.

Beautiful
Calm
Vintage
Wilderness
Peaceful tranquil
Old fashioned
Friendly
Homely
Exciting
Natural
Full of charter
Cheerful
Nature at its best
Happy
Relaxing.

IMG_2449

Spending the weekend sharing my garden was such a positive experience . But my thoughts and prayers today were for those affected by last nights attacks in London.

Visitors took time to light candles and share their thoughts and prayers.

IMG_2536

See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence . . . We need silence to be able to touch souls. ~Mother Teresa

Pray For Teenagers In Crisis.

Highest places: pray for teenagers in crisis.
Children in care are 4 times more likely than their peers to have a mental health difficulty.

I pledge to pray for families; children in the care system and those involved in adoption.

When I first read on the “Thy Kingdom Come” website find some extreme places to pray and film yourselves doing it. I thought of all the beautiful places I could pray: high on a mountain, in a darkest cave, under water in the depth of the sea, riding my bike through the countryside.
When I read it again I realised that I can see God’s beauty and creation in all of these places.
But to others these are not places of beauty but are the extremes of their lives.
The forgotten families and children of our society, often out of sight and unnoticed.

Dear Loving Seeing God

I pray today for those teenagers that are in the care system.
Teenagers that are angry with the world for feeling it’s letting them down.
I pray that you can help us reach out to these children .
Show them love in such a way that they accept it.
Help us guide them with kindness and love.
For them to learn that rules are their to protect them.
Not to fight against those that reach out to help them.
Allow them to be loved and understand your amazing unconditional love.
In the name of Jesus Christ.
Amen.

IMG_6568

Pray For Refuges.

Waters edge: pray for refuges
Roughly 2.5 million Syrian refugees are under the age of 18.

I pledge to pray for families; children in the care system and those involved in adoption.
When I first read on the “Thy Kingdom Come” website find some extreme places to pray and film yourselves doing it. I thought of all the beautiful places I could pray: high on a mountain, in a darkest cave, under water in the depth of the sea, riding my bike through the countryside.
When I read it again I realised that I can see God’s beauty and creation in all of these places.
But to others these are not places of beauty but are the extremes of their lives.
The forgotten families and children of our society, often out of sight and unnoticed.

Dear God Of Hope.
We pray for all those fleeing conflict and persecution.
Those risking their living in overcrowded boats, sailing in dangerous waters to start a new life.
A life without constant danger and conflict .
Open our hearts so we can provide shelter and hospitality.
Bless us with the resources and words to soothe their pains.
May our words and our actions be as bold as they can be.
We ask this of you Lord Jesus.
Amen

IMG_6200

Pray For The Miracle Of Adotion.

Sun rises: pray for the Miracle of Adotion.
In the U.K 4,000 children are waiting for adotion.

I pledge to pray for families; children in the care system and those involved in adoption.
When I first read on the “Thy Kingdom Come” website find some extreme places to pray and film yourselves doing it. I thought of all the beautiful places I could pray: high on a mountain, in a darkest cave, under water in the depth of the sea, riding my bike through the countryside.
When I read it again I realised that I can see God’s beauty and creation in all of these places.
But to others these are not places of beauty but are the extremes of their lives.
The forgotten families and children of our society, often out of sight and unnoticed.

Dear Giving God.
I thank you for the open hearted families that make adoption possible.
Pray for those children; waiting adoption, families waiting for children, the new adoptive and all families that have had their hearts touched by adoption.
Give them strength and perseverance to guide them though the good days and bad days.
Bless them with friends and families that can support them and understand their needs.
Pray for the birth mothers of these children; that they to are supported and shown love and compassion.
Adotion is never easy, each unique beautiful child is a gift from God.
Adoption in a miracle.
Amen.

IMG_6576

Colours Are My Smiles

Imagine your true colours.
Colours of your thoughts.
Colours of your dreams.
Words of colours.
I’m Green.

I am not a solid Green or Environmentally Green, not even politely Green.
Dappled shades of Green.
Green that diffuses with warm sunlight
Electric Greens that dazzle so bright.
Greens so white they could be snow
Splashes,dashes blobs and spots of Green.

Green is good it’s safe and warm.
Feeding and nourishing protecting from the storms.
Searching, holding, pushing, seeking light.
Sown and threaded though my soul.
Crafted grafted uniquely Green.

I won’t be Green forever it changes as I grow.
The goodness from the greenery is taking me where I need to go.
Greens tipped with Yellows, Green splashed with Pink.
Mixed so slowly they are at first they are just hints.
Colours slowly settle and drift into my haze.
Swirling mixing drifting down, finding a place to stay.

My colours are my smiles.
The prayers I say each day.
My colours are not mine to keep.
I need to learn to give them away.

I pray that this can happen.
And that I will not stay just Green.
Green is safe it’s quiet and calm.
Rainbow enriched colours splashing light.
Giving me a rich vibrant new life.
KiwiActinidiakolomikta.jpg