Why I said “I do” again?

The reasons why I wanted to say “I do” again.

My dad escorted me down the aisle of our parish church, to marry the man of my dreams. Surrounded by friends and  family we said our vows to each other with love and meaning.
We were young, and very much head over heels in love. We are still very much in love. It’s a different love today; a love that has matured and developed with age. A  love that has been battered and bruised, a deep rooted love.

So why do it again?

I wanted to say the words with God in my heart . I wanted to stand at the altar and feel the words.  Not just say them – actually feel them .
God was not a part of my life when we got married .We exchanged our wedding vows, knelt for the prayers. The vows were exchanged with love, thought and meaning . The prayers  were said but only as words not with meaning.
Renewing our vows gave us the opportunity to  pray together as a couple. Holding hands, kneeling in prayer together, with a deep understanding that not only do we love each other, but God loves us too.
We made a promise before God with our friends and family 24 years ago and we affirmed that promise again and celebrated  our love for each other.

So why do it again ?

I wanted to show my love to my amazing man. Not just say “I love you” , I wanted him  to know how much  I love him. For him to understand  that I  married him for richer for poorer, for better for worse, and in sickness and in health .
These last 12 months we have been living the reality of vows we made to each other on our wedding day. We have felt poor both  financially and in life. The dark cloud of depression has shown us how  hard life can be living together during times of sickness. We have seen some of the worse days of  our lives.
I have prayed that we both had the strength to see us through the dark days. The days when depression and anger were all consuming.
The poor days have taught us how rich and beautiful the life we have together is .
It’s time to be thankful  for all that we have, learn to  accept our losses and move forward together with love.

Why I said “I do” again?

It was time to move forward with our lives; allow the wounds to heal.
We have been surrounded by love these last 12 months. Supported  by friends and family that have had little understanding as to why our lives fell apart.
They have not asked questions, just held us in love and walked us though our grief and pain.
Depression has left its scars but we are loved so much . I wanted to show my husband this amazing love and for him to see it with his own eyes.

Though prayer and love, God  has given me back the man I married.  A little older and balder but that sweet hearted funny man that I love is still there . He is shining and  I am feeling the warmth of his sunshine.
Life is not perfect. I  have been embracing each moment. Listening to the beautiful things he says and treasuring our time together as we are never sure what tomorrow will bring.

 

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Running in the rain.

Day 28 – refresh – lent challenge 

Running in the rain.

Black clouds fill the sky
Cold air brushes by.
You can feel it’s going to rain
It’s going to pour
I love the rain

Darkened clouds and large rain drops
Smelling the inviting air
Stepping out into the rain
Liberating refreshing running in the rain,

Natures strength is in the rain
Pelting against my face
Puddles splashing as I run
Mouth open catching rain drops one by one .
Smiling running though the rain

Running takes away the pain
Running crying in the rain.
My tears are hidden as they roll
Tear drop puddles mixed with rain

Running is my therapy
Place to anger and to be me
Rain dilutes and waters down
Calms me and helps me understand

Colours change from dark to light
Multi colour smile shines so bright
promise of sunshine after rain
Peace after pain
Running praying in the rain.

By it’s a beautiful world .

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Broken Promises.

I made a promise to a very special little person. A promise of trust. I never thought anything could happen that would break that promise.
The day my world fell apart, I had no control over the decision that was made which forced me to break that promise.
The promise of trust is a big promise to make to anyone. When it was broken due to circumstances that were beyond my control I felt so helpless.
It’s one of the things I am having the most problems with during this difficult time. I have failed as a person. Two big questions remain.

Will I ever be given the opportunity to rebuild this trust?
Will they trust again?

I do trust God and since this has happened and my faith has become stronger. This betrayal of trust keeps me awake at night and goes round and round in my head. After talking this through and sharing it I realise it’s to early and to painful to process.
I cannot see this person to explain what happened. I am going to write them a letter. A letter which I cannot send and one that they are not ready to receive.
I am hoping by writing this it might help me and maybe one day them.

Dear
From the day I meet you the most important message I wanted you to have was you could trust me.
Trust is not something that just happens it has to be earned and together we set out on a journey. It was a tough road from the start. The end I had in sight was going to be good and positive. I never dreamed it would end the way it did.
We both started with emotional problems. I was still recovering from a broken heart. You had just had been torn away from people you believed loved you unconditionally.
I never planned we would both find God on our journey in the way that we did. I never imagined how much comfort we have both got from our faith. The way we grew together in faith was special, you taught me so much about Gods love. Your understanding was so pure and beautiful it often left me in tears, your prayers were straight forward spontaneous and honest.
You have grown into an amazing confident person so different from when I first meet you. During our time together we have laughed and cried and I earned your trust and love.
When everything went so terribly wrong you trusted me, you trusted me to do what was right for you.
I hope and pray that in the future I can explain all this to you. I ask one thing of you please never stop trusting God.
Please understand and find it in your beautiful heart that I had no choice.
I always knew we would have to say goodbye to each other one day but it was not meant to be this way.
Remember you are beautiful and loved by God. Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

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