All things bright and beautiful

Day Thirty Two  – Friendship  – Lent challenge

Walked to work with lots to think about and pray about, I started in tears and ended in smiles and tears.
As I  walked  the hymn  All things bright and beautiful came into my head and I used it as my prayer .
I just said it out loud slowly as I walked , each word  reflecting on Gods  amazing creation all around me. Newly  formed leaves uncurling, the darkness  of winter was being pushed out with the new life, new beginnings, the blossom the bird song everything was sort of saying, how can you possibly be so  sad  and full of tears this morning when surrounded by God  and all his  beauty?
I  remembered we sang All things bright and beautiful at the funeral of a very special  friend , a true friend and a beautiful lady that had a wonderful and a natural earthy connection to our world.
Her green fingers and warm heart left a huge hole in my life when she died.
It was a friendship of over 30 years  she never talked about her faith to me, until I found mine ( I never told her ) , it was like she knew when I found God . She could see the little change in me that others could not .
I visited her regularly, dropping in shopping and just doing little things , we would sit together and just hold hands , it was being together and time together that counted .
She was brave and strong and had been a nurse all her life, she was no stranger to death and  had nursed her husband and sister though cancer.
When  she discovered she had massive lump under her arm , she knew it was cancer, she did not go straight to the doctors, she did not want to  fight a fight she could not win, she excepted her time was up and she had a wonderful life and it was time to go .
When it was obvious that medical help was needed  she went to her GP and requested no treatment only palliative care and that’s what she got .
As the end grew nearer her faith and her love for God was something I had never seen in her before , death seemed to make it more reachable for her, together we  could share a prayer or just pray silently together my faith was still so new to me but offered me great comfort knowing we both felt the love of God.
My friend was many things to me , she was bright and beautiful , definitely wise and wonderful , she always brighten up my sky’s , she was never afraid to use her lips to tell.
We both wore the same glowing colours and the Lord God  made us .

Psalm 118:24 – The LORD has done it this very day; let us rejoice today and be glad.

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I keep asking myself why ?

Once again our beautiful world has been darkened by yesterday’s brutal and senseless attack in westminster.
watching the news seems inappropriate the images are to harsh, reading the written words are shocking enough , the images we see are loved ones , friends and family injured and traumatised , even to start to imagine the grief of the families affected is beyond thought these people need their privacy and our love and prayers,

Day 20 – ask – lent challenge

John 1:5  the light shines in the darkness , am duchess the darkness has not overcome it.

 

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What Changed Me?

 

 

Twenty One years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I never prayed or thanked God for the beautiful gift of life .
Pregnancy loss, death of my lovely grandmother, uncle , father, friends and elderly relatives none of these things called me to prayer.
I sat beside my fathers bedside and was told he would not survive the night. I wept and held his hand, but I did not pray. It never even crossed my mind to pray.
When I look back I feel so much sadness that I did not pray for all these people and can’t understand why I did not find God back than when he was with me all along.
What changed ? I must have changed but how and why I don’t know and don’t understand .
I don’t understand what made the grief on that one day so different to the past. What made me kneel down in my own garden and pray so openly and deeply?
What was so different?

Why did I not pray when my dad died?
Why did I not pray when they turned off my uncles life support?
Why did I not pray when they told me my daughter had a hole in her heart?
Why did I not pray when I held my dad’s hand as he struggled for every breath?
Why did I not pray when my mother in law lost her battle with cancer ?

I cared and loved these people but what stopped me believing praying and feeling Gods love back than?
I guess the reason was me, God was their all along the only person preventing me from finding God was me.
I feel guilty for not believing back than, what changed me and why did I not see it before I have no idea.
Finding God has changed me so much and for that I am truly thankful for.

 

Jeremiah 29:13 “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”

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Only Tears Left.

Seemed to have hit the bottom with a thud .
I have not landed on my feet and I don’t know how to get back up.
Lack of sleep is just making it worse .
Running, praying and crying is my effort to get back on my feet .
But I can’t run far enough or pray hard enough to find my feet .
Reading my old blogs I can see the determination that I used to have but it’s all gone.
I can’t see the beautiful things I could see before it’s all out of my reach .
Drained of everything the only thing left is tears I want to say hope, but not sure if I even have that left in me.