I never expected adoption would be a gift for me too.

Day 19– Lent challenge – Forgive.

Finding faith though the actions of others is powerful.
Today’s blog is for the lady that shared her faith with me: She showed me forgiveness.
A forgiveness that comes from God not us. A forgiveness that does not nag, does not say I remember when. It’s a wholeness a newness that I had never experienced before.
With that forgiveness came friendship and trust. Without her honestly and openness we could have never moved forward together.
In that moving forwarding I gave myself permission to painfully let go .To accept the role of the foster carer was to let go. To facilitate the moving of our foster son to his forever home.
I realised he was never mine to keep. He was a gift that I held and loved. He was someone else’s hopes and dreams.
Adoption is about love and a transfer of trust. The trust came from forgiveness. My pain of letting go was understood. My love acknowledged. Joy and happiness was my pain and grief. Forgiveness allowed me to be part of the joy in welcoming a very special boy into his new family.
I never expected adoption would be a gift for me too.

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Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name;
thy kingdom come;
thy will be done;
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

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My little shadow.

Day Nine – Lent Challenge 2018 – Follow

Today’s blog is for my foster daughter you taught me so much. Thank you for all you have done for me and all that taught me. She made my faith real and alive. She answered my questions without me having to ask them. We grew together in faith often it was her leading me.
She opened my eyes to a world that I never thought was possible. She has showed me how simple faith can be. She saw Jesus as her friend, chatting away to him as she talked to her school friends. Jesus’s name would pop up in conversation naturally and beautifully. This little 4 year old girl had been removed from her mother and father, separated from her siblings and found Jesus.
Her faith was not about long words and things we don’t understand. It’s was about friendship, Gods love and not being alone in the world that scared her so much. Her understanding was pure and beautiful as was she.

My little shadow followed me. You were never more than a few feet away from my side. You trusted me. That trust allowed you to move on; journey in life without me.
Following is about trust and you trusted. I trust God to look after you.
I miss my little shadow and her non stop chatter.
She left me knowing that she was loved by God.

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Matthew 19
13-15 One day children were brought to Jesus in the hope that he would lay hands on them and pray over them. The disciples shooed them off. But Jesus intervened: “Let the children alone, don’t prevent them from coming to me. God’s kingdom is made up of people like these.” After laying hands on them, he left.

Trust.

I wanted to blog about trusting the wrong people. Why do I keep allowing myself to trust and then be so hurt?
The betrayal, the feeling of failure, for having trusted an untrustworthy person keeps happening to me. It raises questions about my judgment; I feel so used and gullible.
The people I trust keep hurting me. They are using my good nature for their own benefits. These are professional people working in the public sector that I keep believing. Believing they will do their job in the professional manner that I would expect.

I keep on praying for a way to forgive them. Wanting the negative energy that it generates to stop; pain to ease and the hurt to be a little less. Repeatedly broken trust that just never seems to get the chance to heal.

It’s hard to forgive when deep down you are no better: I told a very special little person they could trust me. I still cannot move on from the way I unintentionally caused them pain too. The pain of this haunts me every day. It’s a constant reminder of the hurt I caused.

Do the people that hurt me feel the same as I do? I would not wish this pain on them, the constant hurt and questions that go round in my head when I have an idle moment.

I know I will keep trusting and keep getting hurt but it’s the way God made me.
Sometimes I wonder if I am putting too much trust in the wrong people; these people don’t love me. It’s not in their hearts to want to help me. But God does and that’s why I put my trust in God.

Putting my trust in God means I am not alone. God knows me: my thoughts, my fears, my hopes, and dreams. God wants me to put all my confidence in him all the time in everything I do.

I don’t need to get to God through someone else; God is in my heart. I need to learn listen to his voice, the voice inside me that I can trust, the voice that will guide me, help me make decisions, and the voice that will teach me to forgive those I trusted that hurt me.

I still cannot forgive myself for hurting such a special person. I pray that she one day will forgive me, and learn to love and trust again.
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Fear and love cannot coexist

Day Six –  lent challenge – fear 

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us. ” –Marianne Williamson

We fear what we don’t know , the children that I have cared for don’t know love, they have trouble connecting to others managing their own emotions , lack trust and self worth , they are angry and often feel unsafe and alone, their lives are controlled by fear.
When you first become a foster carer you just think they just need love, and they do need love, they need it so much. But they fear love
But it’s just not as simple as loving them Years of negative experiences and negative relationships leave these young children feeling repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for—they will learn that they are unloveable and can’t depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.
Living in fear these children are sad, you can see it in their eyes , they have a sort of emptiness about them an inner sadness, but somewhere also locked deep inside is love, love that is to afraid to come out in case it’s rejected again.
Many of these children have parents that live in fear unable to break the cycle they pass fear onto their children instead of love , but all these children are loved by god and loving foster carers and adoptive families, they can learn to love they might not love back straight away but given time and they will be able to move from fear to love.

Psalm 34
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

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Wilderness

Day Two -lent challenge – wildernesses 

There are times in our lives when we become weary, weakened, and susceptible to the temptations that seem to be placed in our path.
Spending time in the wilderness to me does not mean a desert or on top of a mountain, my wilderness last year was in my own home.
I Was  living in a inhospitable place , a house of conflict and a very dysfunctional lifestyle, trying to hold everything together in the most difficult of times .
I was often tempted to take the easy way out but love got in the way , turning my back on someone in need was not something I was prepared to do, I have no regrets and did what I felt was right , Prayer , trust and love helped me find my way out of no mans land .
I have no plans to return but if I do I have the faith that once again Jesus will guide me along the right path back into civilisation.

1 Corinthians 10:13The Message (MSG)

No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.

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Pushed to my limits

God knows what we need to grow in faith if we open our hearts and minds we will see gods love working around us , our prayers may not be answered in the way we would like or within the time scale that would be convenient to us .
My conversations with god might at times seem one sided but I know god listens and hears my prayers , the way god shows he is listening always amazes me and just gives me a WOW warm feeling, how great is god that he loves me as he loves all his children , he loves me so much he feels my pain and gives me all I need to live a Christian life and follow Jesus , The Holy Spirit will lead me and guide me and help me use the beautiful gifts given to me by god.
James chapter 1 verse 2 has been pooping up all week, on blogs I read, twitter feeds and when I randomly open my bible it’s in James.
This week has been tough and I am so tired both physically and emotionally, every step forward I seem to take two back.
My prayers give me strength and the energy to keep going and trust god .
The next steps in my life are potentially very cruel and will try and take away from me the things I am passionate about and will test me to my limits.
For the first time during all this I am scared , very scared I will encounter people that I cannot trust and those that will help us, not sure how I tell the two apart, I have a very trusting nature and trusting in god is the only way forward .
Can I really consider myself fortunate for this trail that’s heading my way, truthfully and honestly I feel very fortunate that I have a life with Jesus , and without these trails that keep being placed in front of me , I would have never allowed god into my heart , never felt his presence in my life .
I am truly grateful that I can pray and know that every step I take I will not fall,
Each trail put before me will strengthen my faith hold me on the right path , when I am exhausted I can rest in gods love , prayer will rebuild my strength I may fall again and again, but god will help pick me back up and set me back on the path.

James 1 : 2 My friends, consider yourselves fortunate when all kinds of trials come your way, 3 for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure. 4 Make sure that your endurance carries you all the way without failing, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 But if any of you lack wisdom, you should pray to God, who will give it to you; because God gives generously and graciously to all. 6 But when you pray, you must believe and not doubt at all. Whoever doubts is like a wave in the sea that is driven and blown about by the wind. 7-8 If you are like that, unable to make up your mind and undecided in all you do, you must not think that you will receive anything from the Lord.

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I Daniel Blake.

 

I went into the cinema already feeling broken and tearful. Unsure if even going to see “ I Daniel Blake “ was even a good idea.
It was a strong hard hitting film; emotionally hard hitting from the start to the end.
Their was hardly a dry eye in the cinema; I left feeling angry and more determined than ever that a system that does not work would not destroy us.
The film follows Daniel Blake being destroyed and humiliated by a system that just cannot afford to care. A system that shows no love and compassion and offers no hope for the future. It’s grim depressing and unrelenting but should be seen by everyone .
I felt the need to protect my broken husband from that system. A system that would lower his self esteem even further, that would cause even more pain and upset.
I worry every day that I will lose my husband to depression. I will not add even more pressure to his life and see him destroyed even further suffering at the hands of the DWP.
He needs his confidence boasted not lowered, he needs to be valued as a person and respected for what he knows and what he can offer society.
He is a wonderful, caring, honest, hard working person and a child of God and loved by God .
I will trust in God to guide me through our dark days and being part of a supportive church family we can survive this a come out the other end.

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